Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I've been attempting to maintain my peace since approximately last October. Some days, it all goes along on oiled wheels. Some days, actually most days, not so much.

Back in November, when I had that eagle visitation on the dike, I felt so assured. So directed. So ready to go on to the next thing. The unfortunate thing about spiritual assurance, at least in my world, is that it never seems to last. I don't know what the Universe would have to show me or give me that would cause me to finally get it, once and for all. Maybe you're never supposed to get it. Maybe life—at least on this plane—is all about wanting it, needing it, searching for it. The Universe gives us just enough of those "ah-ha" moments to keep us moving forward.

All I can say is, I hope I get another of those moments soon. My peace, assurance and direction are eroding daily. My relationship with the husband is definitely fragile and crumbly around the edges. Turns out, "leaving him alone"—as Terri predicted—is proving to be very challenging. Actually, it's not even so much the part about leaving him alone, it's the reciprocal part: I leave him alone, and he leaves me alone. Utterly. Which leaves me completely without any kind of a support network—however incomplete or imperfect—to help me get through this thing. This dissolution of the dream. This firing of myself from the job I always thought I wanted, the challenge I always thought would make me whole, because I realize I suck at it.

Sometimes, when husband and I are alone together, I lose my resolve and "casually" mention my feelings about what I'm going through right now. And he…changes the subject immediately, or fails to respond at all. As if he hadn't heard me. Our existence together has degraded to pleasantries and necessary communications only. The elephant in the room is practically sitting in our laps…indeed, it has its trunk around my throat. But we don't talk about it. This evidently works just fine for one of us. For me, it's deadly.

I don't know how long I can keep it up. I keep telling myself: Only x-number of months, weeks, days… As of today, it's four months and fourteen days. I can do anything for four months and fourteen days.



  1. Unfortunately, I know this scenario well. All I can offer is sisterly solidarity, which I'm showering your way,

  2. The spiritual life is like this - all full of THE SPIRIT and assurance of God's presence and peace - and then, gone. any sense that we might have of any of this....sigh....and then sometimes it comes back again, a little hint here and there...hopefully enough to keep us going.

    I will pray for you and hope that the peace surrounds you well enough to sustain you in the days ahead, filling you with fortitude and grace.

  3. Sending much love your way. You do have the strength for this. You do. I wish I could be there to listen, share a drink, whatever would help, but for what it's worth, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. Ahhhh, Lisa. If I weren't being dragged out of retirement by UNM Continuing Ed to teach a Citizenship class, I might just point the new car in a NW direction next week and come for a very long walk with you. We'd look at birds, and walk, and talk, build a fire somewhere, drink some really good pinot noir. A fantasy, that probably doesn't help. But know I'm thinking of you, and if you want my phone number, want to actually talk anytime, message me on FB and I'll send it Virtual hugs, strength and sisterhood abounding.

  5. Thank you, ladies. I appreciate your support. And Mary Ellen--I think it's wonderful that you're going to teach this term. You know it's what you love to do...

  6. The spirit can be a will o' the wisp one moment, sand slipping through your fingers the next. Or a twisty pussy cat that DOESN'T do laps. Doesn't help when you're sitting in the middle of desert though, does it? I wish there was something I could do or say that would help. You are in my prayers and the candles are lit.