Grateful

We are becoming friends again.

It feels like coming home after a long, long time away.

New Beginning

 The sun is out, the sky is jewel-blue, the air is warm and sweet with the fragrances of spring.  Why, then, do I feel like I’m tied to the tracks with a diesel locomotive heading straight for me? 

Well, for one thing, even the fact that the weather is so uncommonly gorgeous for this time of year is a source of worry.  If it’s sunny, dry, and 70 degrees now, in the beginning of March, what will it be in the middle of August?  The specter of trying to eke out our biggest event of the year under relentless scorching sun in 100+ degree heat does not calm my soul one whit.  My personal philosophy is that worry is pointless and counter-productive, so I try not to indulge in it overmuch.  But money issues push my buttons every time.  Money is the one thing I can’t seem to not worry about.  So anything that even hints at the possibility of gumming up our most profitable event of the year pushes those buttons insistently.

Currently, I’m trying to scrape together enough funds to even apply to the events we want to do this year, plus money to purchase the supplies to make the product we’ll be trying to sell.  It’s coming down to the last penny this year…and we have a load of debt that would tax a team of elephants strapped to our backs.  Not making me happy.  Not at all. 

And where is the Spirit in all this?  Sometimes, I just sit and stare out at the sky and think, “Where are you?  Why does everything have to be such a struggle?”  And the answer that comes back to me is generally something like, “Wait.  Don’t fret.  All will be well.  You know I provide for you, always.”

To which my inner voice replies, “Wait?  Really?  How can you ask this?  You know how good I am at ‘wait.’  Are you really asking this of me, or am I just making it all up because I’m too cowardly to take action?”

It is at these times that the Almighty does begin to send me signs…messengers… assurances, through the natural world.  Often, I miss the first one...or two…or half dozen.  But the Spirit perseveres, ever patient, until I finally latch on to the message.

Thirteen years ago, when we first began our little concession business, venturing out into totally unfamiliar territory, Eagle was my constant companion.  On every trip to wherever we were going, eagles appeared…out of the woods, soaring overhead, perched in a tree above the road.  “Eagle sightings” on the road became nearly as common as sighting juncos at my backyard feeders.  I was thrilled by the presence of Eagle; something inside me just understood that this was a message, a blessing, a promise…that we were going in the right direction and that good things were on our horizon.  Some months later, I acquired my first book about animal spirits and their messages.  And I read of Eagle:

If Eagle shows up, it means:  There will be a new beginning in a positive direction following a recent period of strife, one in which you’ve gained a great deal of stamina and resilience.

Well, that was certainly true in 2002, when I was actively recovering from the debacle of my father’s death and the subsequent upheaval of all my family relationships.  I was lost, beaten, somewhat tetherless and sad…but definitely wiser.  The business start-up was as much a vehicle for pulling me out of my grief and walking in some direction as it was anything else.  The Almighty sent Eagle to give me encouragement and assurance. 

But over the next decade, Eagle gradually disappeared from my life.  Eagle only showed up rarely, sometimes not at all for months at a time.  The café years, in fact, were a particularly Eagle-less time of my life.  For awhile, I truly believed Eagle had abandoned me; and when I had the time and presence of mind to notice, it made me incredibly sad.

It’s no secret that those years left me (again) lost, beaten, somewhat tetherless and sad.  The question, since May 9, 2011, has been, “How long will it take to recover from this?”  If someone had told me then, “Four years!”  I think I would have slapped them.  And yet, so it has been… an incredibly slow process of healing my body, my spirit, my marriage.  So slow that, for awhile, I despaired of recovery ever happening.  But now…NOW, when I look back at who and what I was four years ago, I see that healing has taken place.  I can once again live a life that is somewhat measured and thoughtful, rather than one of pure exhausted, over-wrought over-reaction to any negative stimulus.  I still struggle with it…but I know I’ve made progress.

So it seems the time has come, finally, to venture back out into the world and make a living.   It’s time to resurrect Café de la Rue and try to take it to a level of success it has not previously known.  And to do it from a less than ideal financial circumstance.  Worry, frustration and trepidation are my constant companions.  Daily, I come to the conclusion that “This is not going to happen.”

And yet…

Two weeks ago,  I happened to glance up as a young eagle soared into the neighborhood and lit in the top of a tall Doug fir not a block from my back yard.  It was so well-hidden that, had I not seen it land, I would never have known it was there.  From time to time, I would grab my field glasses to check on it…it stayed perched in the tree for several hours.

Last Tuesday, I stopped at Finley on my way down to Junction City to spend a few days working on business issues.  Not a lot of birds present…but as I sat gazing out over the marsh, an eagle appeared out of the trees behind me and soared low over my head (as I struggled, unsuccessfully, to aim my camera at him/her…)

As we headed home from Junction Saturday morning through the valley fog, an eagle winged out of the mist just ahead and floated over the car.

And yesterday, we stopped to take a quick walk on a beautiful day at the “nuclear park.”  The park was full of people on that lovely Sunday afternoon, so wildlife viewing was not really our aim.  Still, a pair of eagles flew in a leisurely way above our heads and disappeared over the trees to the south.

Eagles, everywhere, once again.  And I can’t pretend I don’t believe they are there just for me.  That they are telling me something, pointing toward that “new beginning following a period of strife.”

Life goes on, and the Almighty never forgets, nor abandons.