Tuesday, September 30, 2003


I think I actually heard coyotes howling tonight, sitting here in the office in the quiet, with no tv, fan, or music.  Kind of creepy...but we knew they were around.  They're part of the reason I don't decide to let the cats outside to roam.  Don't want one of them to come home dead some day.  A  kitty paid me a visit outside while I was going out to get the mail.  On the sly, I gave him a bowl of food just to help him out a little (Matt would be pissed if he knew I did this.)  Poor thing was all skin and bones...couldn't decide whether he was starved or sick, so I figured I could help him out if starving was the problem.  He didn't eat much, so I'm afraid he really was sick.  He was wearing a collar and ID tag...local phone number, so he must be from around here somewhere.  No excuse for an animal to be neglected like that.  Hope he doesn't end up coyote-lunch.

Browsing through other peoples' journals, I came across someone asking questions about God...reminded me of the confusion I have on that subject.  Used to believe...don't know what I believe anymore.  Find that organized religion seems to be a tool created by man, used to beat up other people.  Historically, people are driven to create ways in which they can make themselves superior to others.  And to create codes of behavior that criminalize the behavior of others.  If you don't believe what I believe, you are bad.  You are going to hell.  I have to kill you.  Whatever.  I'm sure that God looks down on all this and wonders if we'll ever get it.   

Well, the sun came out...

The "morning" clouds burned off at about 1:00 today.  Now it looks like a passably decent day.  I'm going back to "City Liquidators" to finish up my office shopping.  It's just about there...needs a couple more pieces to make it come together.  Needs lighting badly...bought an under-counter halogen light at WalMart yesterday, and it sucks.  Should have known better than to buy ANYTHING at WalMart.  WalMart sucks.

God, do I feel crappy today.  Menopause is no fun at all.  I'm not having hot flashes every fifteen minutes right now, but I can tell I'm revving up to start a period in a few days.  I'm so bloated I don't fit into any of my clothes, and I just feel like I'm walking around under water.  Slow and dull and stupid.  Hormones are nasty little things, put on this earth just to make us miserable, I'm convinced.  Along with vacuum cleaners, garden hoses, and other drivers.  Don't ask.  The house is starting to look like hell, the office is still only half-finished and all I have the energy to do is sit here and type on this damned computer.  Better go try to get something done.




Monday, September 29, 2003

Time to quit whining

Well, I guess I should quit complaining about the husband.  Don't want people to think he's  a jerk.  Actually, I think I'M the jerk. 

So, what are my politics, you ask?  Decidedly liberal democrat, I'm afraid.  Used to be a registered independent.  But the George W. Bush years have dashed the last of any conservatism I might have harbored right out of me.  Can't stand Bush.  Couldn't stand him from the moment he was elected.  Well, not elected, actually, but he became president one way or another.  Can not EVEN deal with a head of state that cannot pronounce the word "NUCLEAR."  He's got the button right there in front of him...maybe he should READ it,  "Now, just sound it out, Georgie...NOO--KLEE-UR."  Very good!

And, I'm sorry..9/11 did not make him any smarter!  Or any more qualified to be the leader of the free world.  Nor did it magically bestow upon him ANY knowledge of foreign policy.  He's a Republican through and through...knows EXACTLY how to use the fears of the common people to further his political agenda.  What he has done to this country in the name of "the war on terrorism" scares the hell out of me.  It doesn't surprise me that he's not doing all that well in the early polls against "any democrat."  ANY democrat has my vote! 

Fallout from yesterday

It suddenly became autumn in Oregon today.  Weather was cool and rainy all day...a stark contrast to yesterday, which was sunny and in the nineties.  Today's weather fit my mood...or maybe it created it.  Still feeling a little put out with the husband about yesterday.  When will I learn that he is not the person to go to with my feelings of loneliness and isolation?  Instead of being sympathetic, he reads that I am somehow criticising him for not being a good husband/friend/whatever.  And then I have to hear about how hard he works and how he's so wasted when he gets home at the end of the day.  Just so I know it's really unreasonable of me to want him to actually interact with me when he gets home.  He must have known I was upset, though...he emailed me from work today saying, "why don't we go on a picnic after work?"  I emailed back, "Uh, in case you haven't noticed, it's raining."  I SHOULD give him credit for the thought, but I'm not so inclined.  It seems so much a case of too little too late, as usual.
Office is coming together pretty well.  Got most of the business stuff categorized and put away today, will start on the craft stuff tomorrow.  Don't think I yet have enough room for it all.  And I though I had already thrown tons away.  Had to buy a shredder for all the old bills and stuff.  I'll probably spend half the day tomorrow shredding paper.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

Doing stuff together

Well, as much as yesterday was a success, today wasn't.  Had to go down to Corvallis to check out a festival's possibilities for the business.  I thought we were having a good time.  Husband, apparently, didn't.  Disappeared the minute we got there, and spent most of the time wandering around by himself, calling me every ten minutes on the cel phone to try to figure out where I was.  When I asked him later what was up with that, he told me how he thought we were just going to check out the business aspects of this festival---NOT spend the afternoon strolling around the craft booths.  I asked him if he thought we were going to drive two hours to get down there, meet my sister, and then leave after a half hour.  So that started a fight. I told him I have no idea what he likes to do anymore...mostly it seems that sitting around watching tv for hours on end when he's not working is good enough for him.  He got mad at me about that, asking his usual "What do you want from me???" crap.  Well, I'm not sure exactly what I want, but I know I don't want to feel like I'm living alone.  I feel like all I do when he's home is try to stay out of his way and not make him feel like I'm bugging him to spend "quality" time with me.Which IS what I'd like, come to think of it.  But if he DOESN'T want to, what would really be the point?  Once again, I'm left to feel like I need to get a life.

Saturday, September 27, 2003

Went out and spent $400 of "Cafe de la Rue" money on new (old) office furniture today.  Discovered a WONDERFUL place down in the SE industrial district across the river.  I could have spent days, and probably thousands of dollars, in the place.  TONS of used office furniture, and other stuff, at rock bottom prices.  I guess I'll never be a card-carrying yuppie.  I just love places like that.
I'm trying to start to take myself more seriously as a business owner.  I'm hoping that making the office functional will help.  The place always looks like the aftermath of a level five tornado, mostly because there aren't enough places to put everything.  Bought three big shelving units, a new desk, and an 8' long table.  Still need a file cabinet and another table for crafts.  But it's starting to look more like an office and less like a junk room.
Gave in and let Matt take me to the Polish Festival for lunch.  Real "back home" type food...though my family was Hungarian rather than Polish, there's a lot of similarity between all those Eastern European cultures.  Croatian pastries reminded me of the sweet tables at the Schleich weddings.  Went back three times for more goodies, at $2 per plate.  Loved seeing Matt's eyes light up, reveling in the Polish stuff that takes him back to his childhood.  Made me wish I could come up with some more things to do that he would enjoy as much.  He works too hard, and needs the recreation.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Hello, journal

So, this is my first "blog."  I wonder how this will affect my writing, knowing that someone might actually read it?  I've been writing journals since I was in high school.  Always with the secret hope that someone might read them, and get to know or care about my thoughts, confusions, and yearnings.  But knowing that no one would ever read them, at least not in my lifetime.  In more recent years, I've contented myself with believing that I might be leaving a legacy...that SOMEONE might read the pages upon pages of my life's blood, and think about me when I'm gone.

This wanting to be remembered when I'm gone...this is a relatively new purpose for me.  I guess it's logical for someone my age, who has no children, to start wondering about my legacy.  Not only no children, but no social life.  No church, no job, no volunteer activities.  I sometimes wonder, if I dropped dead today, who would care besides my husband and my sisters?  And how long would THEY even care?  What would I be leaving behind?  As of this exact moment, I have to admit--not a whole lot.

I know I didn't used to be this way.  I've always been sort of a loner, and socially challenged, but I always had at least one or two friends, and some kind of social outlet besides my family.  I've become so isolated since the events that surrounded my sister's and my Dad's deaths.  I don't know if I would still be so affected by their deaths, if they hadn't been the start of this...this time of my life when I've felt expelled from everything I've ever known and loved.  It's been a god-awful struggle just to keep ties with the people who ARE still in my life, and I know they don't understand or care about my struggles.  I spend an awful lot of time wishing I had someone who DID understand.