Wednesday, February 8, 2012


Along about the beginning of this year, I decided I just needed to write. Write whatever. Take the chance of doing some stream of thought things…no editing. Just writing. I’ve found myself getting so bogged down in the process, in getting every word right the first time, that I spend more time with the “delete” and “backspace” keys than on the ones that are actually going to get my message across. Whatever that is.

And I also made the decision to go ahead and post the “self-analysis” things that I have been loath to put here for many moons. It doesn’t escape my notice that those kinds of posts could make me appear whiney, perpetually unhappy with my lot in life…maybe even certifiable. But I think they have value; they help me work the puzzle. And my life is a puzzle, these days.

There are a lot of emotions warring inside me. There is fear and the rejection of that fear. There is sadness and the resolve to overcome that sadness. There is discouragement being assaulted by daily pep talks. There is lingering exhaustion being trod upon by the almost desperate need to get off my ass and accomplish something. Something. I have no idea what.

Most of all, though, there is a feeling of complete aloneness. The certain knowledge that no one, NO ONE, has the time, patience or desire to hear me drone on about these things. Everyone has their own issues. Everyone has their own lives. No one needs to hear about MY issues, about MY lack of a life. I used to think that’s what friends were for. Absent friends (a state in which I have found myself for roughly EVER), I decided that’s what family was for. Don’t know where I dug up that notion, because my family has never been about tending to our own wounded. As a last resort, I made believe that’s what a mate was for. SO not true. And the discovery of that particular fact has probably been the most difficult to bear of all. But I have this blog, and I am not too proud to use it as my sounding board.

And then I lost my internet connection. Became utterly alone—away even from that scant remaining thread of a connection I made over eight years ago, quite by accident, and to which I have clung like a drowning rat. I wasn’t even aware of how attached I was to this soggy piece of wood until now. Nor was I aware of how small it had become. More like a wood chip than a plank, these days. Soggy and waterlogged and going down fast.

Well, my internet came back today. I would like to say it welcomed me back with open arms, asked where I had been, told me it had missed me. Not so much. But oh well.

I'll continue, as always...

Coming to terms.


  1. Here's my take on things: we're taught to look outside ourselves for answers, for saving. At least that's what I was taught from the time I was born. We're taught or told that it's important to have lots of people around--what for, I'm not really sure--but we're constantly encouraged to surround ourselves with other people. And those of us who know better, do not find solace in other people and we get mad at ourselves or sad when we feel like we are always on the outside looking in. It's self defeating and the outcome never changes (at least not for me). It feels sort of hopeless.

    But then I figured out that we've all been lied to. The answers we seek are not outside ourselves, they're within. Everything we need is inside us. I found a way to still my mind and live in the moment. And I trained myself not to feel fear (you talk about it in your post above). It took me about three years, but I rarely feel that incapacitating fear I lived with constantly (that I believe we are conditioned to feel because it is a form of control). As soon as I feel it creeping up on me, I can stop it. I remember that in this moment, I am enough, that I have enough and fear disappears. We tend to think we cannot control our feelings but we can. It just takes lots of work.

    I used to worry that I was not doing enough, that I have not lived up to potential, but that's just my ego beating me up and I try not to let my ego shape the way I feel or live my life. I focus on doing the things I AM doing very well, and with joy and peace.

    I think you're just smarter than everyone in figuring out that peace can be found when you're alone. Most people cannot stand the silence. I find peace in the silence so I know I'm on the right track.

    Wishing you well.


  2. One thing I've learned through my own personal conflicts is that (unfortunately) the spouse is NOT the person equipped to serve as a sounding board as we sort this crap out. They're too close to it and it has too much potential to throw a curve into their lives. That or they write it off as "It's just her being her...again." Excuse me if I'm a little cynical about this.

    I'm glad you're committed to writing and I hope it will help to just say whatever comes and have confidence that we're listening. I wish I could make myself get back to it but I'm stuck in that "fear of whining" place. Though everyone does have their own issues, friends WILL listen to yours as long as you need them...even when it's tedious. You have friends here.

  3. As Kat says - you have friends here. And today I posted my intention to spend some real and good time reading my friends' blogs with faithful regularity. Both to get back in touch with all of you, and to try to inspire my own blogging, even if it's also what the world is pleased to call whining. So, I'm here, I'm listening - and I'll try to stick around. I'd like to ask you to do the same for me - how bout it?