#5--The Guardian

 

5.)  My determination to write this post has once again thrown a monkey wrench into my mojo.  It’s relatively simple to throw together an essay about external things…things that happen, things I have a strong opinion about.  But this one…this is something that is intensely personal.  So much so that I find it nearly impossible to frame it in a way that would make sense to anyone outside myself.  I am acutely aware that it might come off as delusional, ignorant drivel.

Anyone who has followed this blog for any length of time is aware of my path of spirituality.  It doesn’t have a name, it isn’t anyone’s religion.  I suppose it’s fine to belong to a spiritual community, but I just…don’t feel the need.  “Churches” tend to create rules defining the “right” ways and the “wrong” ways to conduct a relationship with the Almighty.  I can’t subscribe to that.  The Creator of the Universe is obviously a vast, creative, diverse entity.  Who am I, who is anybody, to attempt to define, and in doing so, limit the Creator to a size and character that we poor humans can understand?

People sometimes do eventually figure out that “God” is not the big guy in the sky who is everything human beings are, only bigger and badder—the ultimate extreme human.  Unfortunately, this tends to turn many formerly religious folks into atheists.  The logic is that if “God” isn’t what they’ve always been led to believe, then “God” doesn’t exist at all.  I just find that…incredibly sad. 

I figured out years ago that god wasn’t necessarily what any religion paints god to be.  But, rather than concluding that god doesn’t exist, it seemed reasonable to believe that our perception of the Creator of the Universe was so limited as to be erroneous.   Not to mention able to be twisted into a tool used to enrich certain human beings at the expense of others, which seems to be the chief function of religion in our world.

The part where I think other people might find it hard to follow me is this: While I claim to understand that the Creator is too vast and complex for our minds to truly grasp, I still believe that the creative energy that IS the Almighty encourages a personal connection to it.  Why does “God” have to be human in order to welcome a connection to individual people?  To make that claim would be to again place a limit on a limitless power.  If my spirituality has one rule, it is to never place limits on the power of the Almighty.

This all leads me to the subject of this post:

The Guardian.

 Once I walked away from traditional religion, I gradually became aware the Universe encouraged a connection with me.  I will admit my relationship to that connection has run hot and cold over the years.  There are times when a relationship with something beyond ourselves, something that cannot be seen or heard or touched, seems so remote as to be impossible.  It isn’t always easy to believe.  In religious circles, they often call this a “crisis of faith.”

My spiritual journey has progressed to the place where I am convinced that not only is the Creator connected to me…it watches over me.  I suppose this concept has been understood by religion for centuries.  There are guardian angels, patron saints, familiars, spirit guides…  All based on the idea that the Creator provides protection and guidance.  As I have walked my spiritual path, turned toward and sometimes away from the Creator for a time, I’ve gradually become aware that I have received benevolent protection and guidance for years, in such a form that is, for me, indisputable evidence that not only does the Almighty exist, but the Almighty has forged and maintains a connection to me personally.  Pretty heady stuff.

At no time has this been more evident than the past few pandemic-ridden years.  It has been quite a journey, and I have felt undeniably blessed and protected since it began, and even before.

In 2018, a full two years before COVID was upon us, I became convinced that the time had come for our little household to strip down, shed debt and move back “home” to my family.  It’s not like an angel came to me in a dream or anything.  I just decided, “NOW is the time.”  I thought I was setting us up for retirement.  And I set about to make it happen.  By early 2019, all was accomplished.

Less than a year later, the pandemic struck.  In August of 2020, the place where the husband had worked for over 25 years shut its doors…he was out of work.  But since we had shed $1400 a month debt service and were living in Eugene in a house with no mortgage, we were prepared.  We had meticulously set ourselves up to weather a disaster that nobody had any idea was going to happen.

Unemployment and government COVID benefits were sufficient to meet our finacancial needs (and then some.)  When unemployment ran out, husband landed a job that coincidentally (?) brought in almost exactly the income he was receiving from unemployment.  We applied for and obtained a huge government grant to keep our small business afloat when it was sidelined for 2 years by COVID.  Sure, we had to participate in our own survival.  But it was almost ridiculously easy to slide from one benefit to the next...when one thing ran out, another opportunity popped up.  Almost like it was planned.   

How to explain that?

All that time when I was almost crazy with anxiety about the specter of illness and death, the one thing I did NOT have to worry about was our financial well-being.  I didn’t have to stress about how to keep a roof over our heads or food on the table.  It was taken care of.  By a power far beyond myself.   

And, honestly, I understood that to be the case.  We have been protected and provided for during this whole thing.

And now that the time of fear is mostly over, lest I take for granted that the Creator holds us in the palm of its hand, I daily discover instances where I know I am being protected and guided.

Gradually, I’ve felt inspired to name the aspect of the Almighty that has watched over us and kept us from disaster. 

I call it the Guardian.  

The Guardian who has walked beside me, protected me under its wing, for years, unseen.

And I am grateful.  Every day.