I've Decided....

Well, folks, the "ayes" have it.  I'm going for it.  Or I'm gonna TRY, anyway.  The first big thing is to see if we can afford to pay for this spendy education.  I'm going to go talk to a financial aid counselor before the end of the week (I hope.)  If we can somehow massage this into a payment we can live with, the green light is on!

I wish I felt like I was getting a little more support from the husband.  I try to talk to him about the intangibles, but all he sees are the dollar signs.   He wants to know how much this certificate is going to increase my earning ability....how is it going to benefit my business?  What's the return on investment going to be?  When I tell him that at least half the value of this venture is going to be the investment in MYSELF--my self-esteem, my sense of accomplishment--he nods his head like he agrees...but the assent never reaches his eyes. 

He doubts me.  He doubts my ability to see the project all the way through to the end.  And I guess I can't blame him.  Based on past performance, I doubt myself.   I was not blessed with a naturally strong self-opinion. And many things have happened over the thirty-year span of my working life that have made me completely gun-shy.  I have this conditioned response when I run into anything that even hints of negativity or difficulty:  I drop everything and run in the other direction.   I've done this with several (hundred?) jobs, SOME classes, and many social situations.  So, why should this time--this incredibly expensive education--be any different?

Because I WANT it to be.  I know that I often allow myself to be a flake.  But I also know that I can make up my mind to DO something, and just DO it (hmm..that's a catchy phrase...maybe I should sell it?)  I've lost almost 50 pounds in the past three years.  I redecorated my entire living room by myself, on a budget, doing things like upholstering and creating art for the walls...things I'd never done before.  I've torn apart my house and my yard, and was able to start and complete projects successfully.  I helped my Dad to die at home.  I can do this.  All I have to do is WANT it badly enough.

Tonight, husband and I were having our weekly "talk."  The doubt was written all over his face.  When I started to talk about the "intangibles," his eyes glazed over.  But I came up with a couple of motivational tidbits that I had not thought of before.  Number One:  If I do this course, I will receive my certificate a little less than a month before my fiftieth birthday.  I can't think of a better way to kick that particular milestone in the ass.  How affirming will it be to begin my second half-century of life on this planet with a real accomplishment under my belt?  Number Two:  I thought about my dad.  I know that he would be in my corner.  I think it was a source of quiet disappointment to him that none of us ever pursued a secondary education.  I would dedicate this to Dad.  HE would be proud.

So, please think good thoughts, send me positive energy, whatever you can do, to lead me to finding the money to make this dream of mine become a reality.  I need all the help I can get! 

Marcie (punky5678--An Apple a Day) sent me a raft of inspirational material...I picked out this quote as my favorite:

           "When you reach for the stars,
you may not quite get one, but you won't    come up with a handful of mud, either."

- Leo Burnett

I LIKE it!!!