What I Don't Expect To Do

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

               

Phooey! I have no frame of reference for wise little maxims like this one. I don’t vault out of the rack, refreshed, ready to take the new day by the horns. I’m more of a twenty-year-old car engine on a cold morning. A little cranky, a little hard to kick over. But once I get warmed up, I can go all day and half the night. Any self-help program that has me throwing off the covers and leaping out of bed to greet the brand new day is pretty much lost on me.

Since this is traditionally the time of year for resolutions, I felt compelled to actually make some this year. It seems I need goals, even if I never achieve them. I need to be able to quantify my ineffectiveness. If I don’t set goals that I never reach, then I have nothing to point to and say, "Well, I was aiming for that, and I didn’t get that far. But I did make it to here…" There’s no way to prove any progress at all if you weren’t headed in the general direction of something.

I have, however, learned that there are some things I shouldn’t even bother to aspire to. Things like "serenity," and "balance"—a couple of words bandied about when the subject of life changes comes up. I could no more be accused of being serene than a grizzly bear could be called cuddly. My life is a jigsaw puzzle composed of blacks and whites, contrasts and brights. No muted grays or pastels in this palette. Like a moth to a flame, I’m attracted to places that surround me with serenity, but only as an antidote for what is constantly going on within me. I never hope to absorb and reflect that peace, only to bask and rest in it to prepare for the next clash.

And balance? Nooo…I don’t function well at all in balance. Balance is boring to me; uninspiring, and not the least bit motivational. I am an obsessive personality. It’s the only way I accomplish anything. I have to become so focused, so single-minded that I can see absolutely nothing else but the task at hand, otherwise it doesn’t get done. Multi-tasking is not a problem…I’m in my absolute gloryif I?m obsessing about three or four things at once. My mind is so active that it needs something to be consumed with; otherwise, it consumes itself. It?s during times of balance and serenity that I start to eat myself alive, from the inside out. I know?conventional wisdom says there are fine drugs available these days that will help me achieve the prescribed balance and serenity that everyone?s life needs. But then I wouldn?t really be me anymore, would I?