Maybe we’ve progressed to one step forward, one step back. Still, I don’t find this a particularly
satisfying way to conduct a marriage.
We live in peace most of the time. But that seems to be as good as it’s going to
get. Just when I start to think that
maybe there will be something more…maybe we will rebuild our love for each
other, or even begin construction on a new love that makes sense for who we are
now…the whole rickety foundation of burnt bridges and thrown stones shifts and
collapses. And we are right back to
living in peace. As good as it gets.
We don’t have those knock-down drag-outs that had become our
custom at the height of our entrepreneurial trial by fire. Mostly because I won’t engage. I can’t fight like that anymore. And when I see one of those coming, I drop
everything and back away tout de suite. I’m becoming expert at speeding away from the
scene of the potential crime. In
reverse.
But I hate going backward.
I hate not being able to gain any forward momentum. I hate not being able to pick a spot
somewhere beyond We’re-Not-Yelling-at-Each-Other-Anymore and say, “This is where
my marriage is today.”
Too much damage was done during those café years. I have managed to leave the experience behind
me, for the most part. I can’t say I’ve
made peace with it. It’s more like I’ve
simply cut it out of my life. I’ve
picked myself up, dusted myself off and kept walking without looking back. Mostly because it’s too painful to look
back. But partly because I see those
five years as a gigantic black hole in my life.
I’m sure I learned something from the whole thing, but I’m still—after three
years—afraid to examine it all too closely.
Afraid I’ll get sucked back into that negative vortex in which I existed
for most of that time.
The one thing I have not been able to put behind me, not
been able to dust off, is the damage to my marriage. It’s the one relationship tainted by my colossal
crash and burn from which I have not been able to walk away. I live with it every day. I can’t say I’ve tried like hell to fix
it. But I have worked as hard as I can
to hold it together, to keep it from blowing up in our faces. I keep thinking if I hold it together long
enough, the fuse will burn out and there will no longer be any danger of an
explosion.
On days like this, I understand that time has not yet
arrived…
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