Muddy Waters

So, I never said I could simply make a decision and stick to it.  In fact, I believe I stated precisely the opposite in a previous post, to the effect that I was having a devil of a time scraping up anything resembling courage of my convictions.  While this affliction has served to make me allergic to decision-making, it has also caused me to continue to pursue conflicting options.  In English, that means I keep moving in the direction of committing to my business, while continuing to basically let guilt, desperation and general weeniness compel me to answer help wanted ads.  Sigh! 

It all came to a head this weekend, when I received a call back on yet another resume emailed to a craigslist posting, even as I was on my way to check out farmers’ market venues on the coast for Café de la Rue.  Unfortunately, the Universe provided me with no clear direction this time around.  We were pleased by one of the markets we visited, but there are a few major problems that might be difficult to overcome.  And the husband perked up considerably when I mentioned a call back on a job close to home.  He loves jobs.  He sees jobs as the answer to everything.  And they have been, for him.  So now I have his approval/disapproval to contend with.

I can't blame the Universe for just letting me wallow in indecision this time around.  I guess She believes that if I can ignore a 2 x 4 upside of the head, I’m determined not to pay attention to Her, in any case.  

There are too many “logical” ways to look at this, and I suck at picking the winner.  On the one hand, a job would create a nice, steady flow of income with which I could pay down our most nagging debts.  And it wouldn’t cost me a thing—at least, not in terms of money—to hop on that gravy train and ride it to financial freedom.  Take the job, do the job, collect the paycheck.  What could be simpler?

But then, how can I so willingly forget how much I hate, how much I suck at, and how dismally I have habitually failed at working for other people?  My thirty-year work history is littered with failures, hurts, misunderstandings, gaffes and frustrations.  There is something about me that inspires employers to dislike me even while it invites them to take advantage of my heroic work ethic.  It’s like, I give off these vibes that say, “I’ll work myself to death for you, but I expect some kind of recognition and respect in return” even though I’ve never screwed up the courage to actually say that to anyone.  It’s been the rare boss, in my experience, who has been willing to accept the one without tendering the other.  And so was nurtured my uninspired attitude toward working for a living.

But financial freedom isn’t the sum total of what it’s all about, is it?  Even at my age, when there is an almost overwhelming desire to tie up loose ends in order to enter retirement with as few financial obligations as possible, I can’t accept the trade-off of today’s happiness for some uncertain future freedom.  Or maybe it’s because of my age, because of what I’ve experienced time after time, decade after decade, that I’m unwilling to make that deal with the devil.  I’ve been in the position where I dragged myself out of bed, day after day, dreading going to work, putting in 8 or 10 or 12 hours at a place I hated, just to bring home that paycheck.  More often than not, in fact, when it came to working for someone else.  And who wants to hate more than half her waking hours, at this stage of the game?  Once you come to the unwavering conclusion that you'll probably get less hours than you have already used (and marching up to the big 6-0 will do that to you), you aren't quite as willing to hate so many of the ones you have left.

Then again, it’s not as if the specter of putting myself out there, entrepreneurially, and falling flat on my face doesn’t loom large in my recent past.  That was no picnic, either. 

It’s not even a matter of choosing between the devil I know and the devil I don’t know…because I know them both.

I just have to choose the one that’s easier to live with. 

And perhaps that will be the one that the Universe has pointed out with that gigantic arrow I mentioned in my last post…