One More Reason to Hate the Fourth of July

I belong to the “Concerned Citizens of Columbia County” Facebook page. 

Last Monday, one of my fellow “concerned citizens” posted this;

There will be loud fire works all night long tonight and tomorrow, probably really late or early lol, dont post 1000 things bitching about it,! Its America! Take your scared little yapper dogs and move to Russia if you dont like it!

…even though the “pinned post” that heads the page specifically mentions that “This page is not to be used for venting…[and] We will delete comments that contain bashing, unproductive arguments, or where there is childish name calling involved. If we continue seeing the same people doing it, we will simply delete/ban them.”  Inexplicably, this post and its 177 mostly ugly and ignorant comments stayed up for four days before Admin took it down…  I guess that last comment (mine) about how we should be kind and courteous to our neighbors when it came to our holiday celebrations was the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

The private use of high-powered fireworks has gotten completely out of hand in the past couple of years.  Time was, here in Oregon, when people would purchase armloads of the legal fireworks sold at fireworks stands around the state for two weeks before the holiday, drag them out onto the driveway after dark on the Fourth, and light up the night for a couple hours.  And save the rest for New Years Eve.  You would be surprised at how awesome the legal fireworks are.  WAY better than anything we ever had as kids back in Illinois, where the only legal “fireworks” were punks and snakes.  Anything that sparked or flew was verboten.  We used to hide behind our garage to light the sparklers we smuggled over the border from Wisconsin.    

These days, more and more folks have jumped on the scofflaw bandwagon, toting crates full of high-powered rockets and bombs sold on the Indian reservations (because state laws do not apply on the reservations) back here to suburban Oregon neighborhoods.  Where they proceed to treat the rest of us to at least seven nights (and sometimes days) of explosions, shrieking, acrid smoke and panicked dog-barking. 

And since these fireworks are illegal, the law-breakers don’t set them off in the street or in open fields, where at least the neighbors could keep an eye on where they’re coming from and where they’re going.  These idiots set off their contraband in their back yards behind 6 foot wooden fences.  So all the neighbors can do is duck and cover; and wonder when a mishandled rocket might come crashing through the fence, land smoldering in their bark mulch or ignite their shake roof. Apparently, the local gendarmerie has neither the will nor the resources to control the situation.  So on it goes.  Bigger and badder every year.

For the most part, I have been happy enough to live and let live.  Batten down the hatches, keep the animals indoors, shut the windows and play the TV really loud.  But this year…this year broke MY camel’s back. 

Here is my story:

I have a five-month-old puppy.  Said puppy accompanied us to our working weekend/holiday at the beach.  She spent much of 72 hours on the leash or restrained in her crate.  She does okay under those circumstances, but enough is enough.  When we got home, she loved getting back to her place and her routine.

Part of her routine is to be taken for a walk around 11:00 each night, where she does her final business before bed.  For whatever reason, she can no longer be enticed to do this business in the back yard.  It’s outside, on the leash, around the corner, or no go.

When 11:00 rolled around on Tuesday night, we attempted to do the walk thing, only to be foiled by cracks and bangs and flashes and showers of sparks on every driveway—the legal fireworks; and louder, more ominous booms and explosions from behind the houses.  Dog was not having any of it.  Though she didn’t cower in terror and try to run away and hide, she was WAAAY too distracted to perform the task for which we were out on the street.

We turned around and went back in the house.

Half an hour later, the ear-splitting booming from next door was still going on.  Trying to resist the urge to fall down and cover my head  every time I heard the loud “Whoomp!!!” of one of those things leaving its launching pad, I finally hollered out the back window—“Can you just GIVE IT A REST already??!?!?” 

Wonder of wonders, all became quiet a few minutes later. 

So I grabbed the dog, clipped on her leash and headed out the door in a desperate attempt to get her to perform her late evening duty so we could both go to bed.

We tiptoed down the block, my head swiveling from side to side, on the lookout for people, sparks, smoke…anything.  No one was around.  Hallelujah.

We got almost to the end of the block when, from somewhere frighteningly nearby, a huge tumult of sparking, spitting, popping and booming ensued.  I turned around and saw that someone had dragged a gigantic can of repeater roman candles out into the road and lit it, maybe 20 yards behind us.  My next-door neighbors had decided to risk the non-existent law enforcement and take their show out into the street.     

One after another these things shot out of the can, flying fifteen or twenty feet in the air, and exploding—loudly—in a bright shower of sparks, practically right above our heads.  Dog freaked out.  I freaked out.  Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME???  

“You stupid son-of-a-bitch!!!  What the hell????”             

“What?  What’s wrong?  What’s your problem?”

“Oh my GOD!  You scared the crap out of my dog!!!!!!”  Let me get my dog in the house and you can light off all the goddamn fireworks you want! 

“That was not our intention…!”

“Whatever, dude…”

There was not a big fight after that.  I gathered my dog, stormed back down the street, past the assholes, studiously not making eye contact.  I was not proud of the way I had screamed at them.  Nor was I completely sure that I wouldn’t go back on the rampage if I even looked in their direction as I passed them.

So that is what our neighborhoods have become.  Holiday battle zones.  Isolated little bands of adversaries, aggressively doing anything the hell they want any time they want, and fuck you if you don’t like it.  Move to Russia. 

Should I still be proud to be an American? 

Just checking…