COVID-19 Gallows Humor

I didn’t make these up...they came from somewhere on the interwebs. But we could all use a little comic relief these days...

1. Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

2. I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on “Wheel of Fortune.” Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

3. I need to practice social distancing from ... the refrigerator.

4. Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter ... The Living Room or The Bedroom.

5. PSA: Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believing all is well in the kingdom.

6. Homeschooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job!

7. I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to Twilight Zone

8. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into the house, told my dog...we laughed a lot.

9. So, after this quarantine, will the producers of “My 600-Pound Life” just find me or do I find them?

10. My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

11. Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

12. Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said: “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year.” I’m offended.

My Self-Isolation Quarantine Diary:

Day 1 – I can do this!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!

Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!

Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??

Day 4 – 8 p.m.: Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.

Day 5 – Today, I tried to make hand sanitizer. It came out as Jell-O Shots!!

Day 6 – I get to take the garbage out. I’m so excited, I can’t decide what to Wear. 

Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!

Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen.” You must gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going bar hopping.

Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems nice. He’s a web designer.

Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”

Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.

Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3-1.

Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?