Thursday, April 29, 2004

VERY Bad Hair

We interrupt the recap of last weekend’s event for a very important rant.

Two universal truths govern my lifetime haircut experience: 1.) I cannot get a decent haircut to save my life; and 2.)The more I spend on one, the worse it will be. We have a couple of extra bucks lying around this month, so I decided to splurge. I took myself down the block to the little salon where I had my nails done this past holiday season. The nails were fabulous, so I figured the place could be trusted with a BIG job. I asked for a cut AND color. WHAT WAS I THINKING???

The Cut: Before I ever hit the door of this place, I had decided to be very assertive about what I wanted done to my hair. I tell the stylist to take a good look at the way I wear my hair, and REMEMBER it, because I want it to look exactly like this, only shorter, when he is done. My hair is (WAS) nearly shoulder length in the front, longer in the back, parted on the left side, with bangs sweeping across my forehead and blending into the hair on the right. (I wish I had a "before" picture…)  I tell him, "DO NOT  layer the back —my hair is already too thin and doesn’t need thinning. DO NOT cut it longer in the front, a la Catherine Zeta Jones in "Chicago." The last person who cut my hair did this, it might be very stylish, but it doesn’t work with my hair. Just cut it slightly shorter in the front, all one length in the back, and angle the front to blend in with the back."

What is there in what I said that translates to, "My deepest desire is to look like Dorothy Hammill"? That’s right…I have a "wedge." Now, back in the seventies, when wedges were in style, I thought they were cute. I never got one, though, for two reasons: I look terrible in short hair, and my hair is not thick enough to carry it off. Why didn’t I stop him? Well, he was doing all right in the front. Then he started in on the back... He hacked off this huge piece.  I stared wide-eyed as it hit the floor. What was I going to do? Tell him to put it back?

He spent a minimum of half an hour blow-drying it, determined to force my hair into this hideously outdated style that doesn’t work with my hair, my face, OR my life-style. When he was done, I looked like Bozo from the front and Peter Pan from the back. I tried to get him to fix the Bozo thing by feathering the front to blend in with the back. He’d cut some off, comb it out, and it would look exactly the same. It was bizarre. I finally told him to leave it alone, because if we cut anymore off, I’d be bald.

The Color: I have not had my hair professionally colored since 1989. I had a frost job done in a salon exactly once. It cost me sixty dollars, and ended up looking exactly the same as it did when I colored it myself with a $10 box of Clairol "Frost ‘n’ Tip." That put me off professional color jobs for a REALLY long time. Until yesterday. I decided to treat myself with a weave. Never had one. Thought it would be fun.

Mr. Stylist shows me this big card with curled up fake-hair color swatches on it. I had just been saying that I wanted golden blonde highlights, NOT ash-blonde. To me, ash-blonde looks gray...I have very little gray hair, and I want it to stay that way. He points to the card: "This is your natural color (a dark mousy brown.) Now this is what it will lighten to---(points to a color that looks like a dye job on a ninety-year-old Jewish matron in the Bronx. It is ash blonde.)  No, I tell him, THIS is what I want—and I point to goldy, coppery, yellowy colors on the card. After picking out the colors, we spend some time trying to determine HOW it should be applied. We decide on big streaks, NOT an overall blonde look, gold highlights.

He goes off into his laboratory to mix it up. Comes back with a bowl of goop. If the color of the stuff in the bowl is an indication of the final result, we are right on.

I didn’t get a chance to absorb the result at the salon, since he started butchering my hair immediately after rinsing out the goop. When I finally called a halt to him hacking on my hair, I TOLD him the color was fine, but the cut sucked. (Yes, I did use the word "sucked." He wasn’t very happy.) But when I got home and looked in the mirror, a slightly jowly Dorothy Hammill with bifocals was looking back at me…and there were no blonde streaks in her hair. In fact, you really couldn’t tell her hair had been colored at all.

When he ran my card, he mistakenly punched in 90 cents, insteadof $90. How very appropriate…it was WORTH 90 cents. I didn’t tip him. He wasn’t too happy about that, either. And I am saddled with this horrendous haircut for the summer. I’m rethinking my loathing of the Sinead O’Connor look….

14 comments:

  1. I don't think you need to go Sinead, but you might want to look at some hats.  I am so sorry.  When my hair feels "off," it doesn't matter too much if the rest of me looks good, I just can't enjoy it.  Here's hoping for fast hair growth.

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  2. Oh...I'm so sorry.  You're probably looking in the mirror and thinking...who IS that??  I never get a good haircut either and it is such a frustration.  I've worn it pretty much the same way since 7th grade (except for a couple of perms).  I hope it grows back quick.  I'm with Cynthia...find a nice hat.

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  3. Ugh! Did this happen BEFORE or AFTER the weekend?

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  4. Donah--AFTER.  Just yesterday, in fact.  While I was still in recovery from the weekend.  I'm thinking of taking up agoraphobia...  Lisa  :-]

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  5. Oh my gosh!  I'm glad that hair grows pretty quickly in the hoter months!  When I got a really bad cut, my stylist had just seperated from his wife and was in a rage and took it out on my head, I cried.  I looked like a little boy!  I mean, an aging little boy!  My daughter cut her hair once.  Oooooppppps!  We did some marvelous things with head bands and scarves.

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  6. Oh God, I really do feel your pain on this one.  I'm convinced that all hair stylists are either deaf or they simply do not care what you want because they ALWAYS do what THEY think looks best on your hair.  Oh, and they always assume that you have 3 hours to spend every morning getting it to look presentable.  The guy I go to styles my hair for about 45 minutes and I'm like, "hey, I tip my head upside down, blow dry and pull a quick brush through it."  That's my styling.  But what is the most awful part of this is that you have to actually PAY for something you do not want.  And live with it!  So sorry!!!

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  7. so sorry bout the haircut, but hearing you tell it was hilarious...and yes i have the same problem.....http://journals.aol.com/bernmilo/WAYNEATOPICTURES

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  8. I don't know what it is with stylists today, I think they are all deaf and colorblind!! Serves him right, he didn't earn the other $89.10.   May your hair grow back fast!  Kristi

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  9. The first time I read this, there wasn't a picture.  I'm so sorry that you are so sad!  But I would like to make you feel better by saying that since this is the first time I've seen you, you look really young.  I am always so happy to finally see the faces of the people I have been reading about.  I would rather see you with a smile, though...Please don't be sad.  It'll be cool for the summer.

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  10. Oh I am soooo sorry!  Cheer up!  Gosh, you brought back memories of my wedge!  It was a pretty good cut for me.  Wonder if they're comin' back in style!  We could start a fashion statement...come on, I double dare ya!  Lisa

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  11. As pained as I know you feel (and, lord I've been there) would it help if I said that it's really not that bad?....You're an attractive woman and that always helps ~ a handsome face can carry off any hairdo if she wears it with panache (how else to explain Sharon Stone?)  Try some stiff paste and tousle it up a bit; 'jzoozh it' as the Queer Eye guys like to say (I have no idea how to spell that).  Create your own wild girl style.  Or..you know... there's always the hat thing.    :)

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  12. ya know....being bald is VERY liberating.  The things that can be done with styling mudd are unbelievable!!   LOL

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  13. Ohhh... it's always an awful feeling when you get a hairstyle that you're not comfortable with.  But, honestly, after a while you get used to it.  What looks so awful to you just looks fine to everyone else. :-)

    Sorry that you didn't have a pleasant time, though.  If you ever find a good hairstylist, you better hold on to them!! lol

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  14. I have horror stories beyond belief regarding my hair. That's why it hasn't been cut in over a year. I am in desparate need of a cut and this just makes me want to wait even longer. But.......you do look good. And, trust me, I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it. :-) ---Robbie

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