(Don't) Think About It

Life coaches and self-help books would have you believe it’s possible to plot a detailed plan, follow it to the letter, and achieve the success you so richly deserve—in any endeavor, or in life in general. Yes, there are people out there who really believe this. And I’m sure there are those for whom the tactic actually works. As for me…well, I’ve never quite mastered the trick to planning ahead.

I think it’s because, early on in the process, one needs to at least visit the idea of possible glitches, or road blocks, or undesirable outcomes. And that’s where two major aspects of my personality—my tendency toward negativity, and my inclination to over-think things—kick into overdrive. I get lost in the "What ifs," never to be found again.

I was a smart, competitive student, back in the Stone Age. But I could never catch a vision for college. Would-be mentors encouraged me to think about it, so I did. And that, of course, was the kiss of death. My mind immediately latched on to the negatives. College was expensive. College was hard. College might just chew me up and spit me out. In the end, I created some kind of vague cost/benefit analysis in my mind, balancing the outlay of money against the end result. And since, at seventeen, I didn’t yet have a clear idea of a career in mind (and to this day, I don’t know how anyone can expect that of a seventeen-year-old…) I opted out. Didn’t go. Went to work instead. Eventually I came to regret the decision, came to rue the flawed and incomplete thought process that led me to it. For awhile, I even tried to blame my parents, my counselors, the system…for robbing me of an experience I really should have had. But it was me (I?). All me. Classic me.

That same stubborn, inevitable tendency toward self-sabotage steered me away from many life experiences that came naturally to "normal" human beings. Like procreation, for example. Generations of women before me just…had babies. They didn’t think about it. It was what was done. Lucky me--I arrived on the scene at a time in history where having children was becoming a choice. Something you thought about. Uh-oh… On top of that, I discovered I had physical problems that would make getting pregnant anything but natural (think fertility treatments, multiple surgeries, heavy-duty hormones and in vitro as an expensive and not necessarily fool-proof last resort.) All that travail to produce little humans who could, in the end, be sources of major heartache (See? There’s that negative thought process kicking in…) Um…I’ll pass. And there are times, now, when I regret that decision. Maybe I wouldn’t have been the disastrous parent I’d always imagined I would be.

Given my history, why am I not…still in high school? (Assuming an increasingly graying and wrinkling student could have flown under the radar for thirty-five years…) The truth is, I’ve learned to work around myself. I know that if I want to do anything at all, I have to JUST DO IT. Hmmm…that’s a catchy little slogan…

It’s a little tricky, because I have to want something badly enough to throw caution to the wind and go after it. And usually by the time I understand I want something, I’ve over-thought it to the point of talking myself out of it. In order to move at all, the only two directions I can allow my mind to take are, "I want to do that" and "I can do that." I can’t predict an end result; I can’t contemplate where I might be in five or ten or thirty years. I can’t try to peer down the little side roads I might encounter on the journey. The Evangelicals call it "stepping out in faith." Other people might call it something else, like "cluelessness." I prefer to think of it as "selective analysis." Or getting out of my own way.

"Overthink" or "Don’t Think at All"—these two concepts have dominated my life. And when I get down to thinking about it (oh no!) neither is really THE solution. Each has saved me or damned me at various times. "Overthink" kept me away from drugs, alcohol & cigarettes as a kid; I surrendered my virginity to "Don’t Think". "Overthink" kept me out of college and rendered me childless. "Don’t Think" propelled me into an unthinkably long and happy partnership with the love of my life. "Overthink" has robbed me of valuable experiences, but has occasionally saved me from myself. And "Don’t Think" has put me on the path to my richest rewards, but has not always led me to a place I wanted or needed to be.

Most recently, "Don’t Think" buckled me into the thrill ride of restaurant ownership well beyond the age of reason for that endeavor. Will this ultimately pan out as salvation or damnation?

I don’t know. I don’t want to think about it too much.

Tags: life, success, thinking