Not Moving On

Gannet passed an award on to me the other day. This one is called the "Friends Award;" and here is the obligatory explanatory text:

"The Friends Award isn't about being the most popular blogger or having the most read blog. It is just because you consider the author a friend. These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

Robin's nod made me smile and sigh at the same time. It was nice to be reminded that I do have a handful of solid friends who came into my life through this medium. The thought of passing the award on to eight other bloggers was kind of intimidating…until I listed them here, I didn't realize that I do indeed have eight friends who have been with me for almost my entire five-year run here in the ether. Robin. Cynthia. Kat. Alpha-Mary-woman. Judi. Jackie—my real-life friend as well as blogging buddy. Lisa—who disappeared for quite awhile, but is back now. And Kay, who is actually my newest blogging friend—we don't go all the way back, but certainly several years. Ladies, consider yourselves awarded.

However, I've recently been tossing around the idea of hanging up my blogging spurs. Wondering, really seriously this time, whether there is enough left here for me in blogland to keep me plugging away. There has been a decidedly unsubtle change in the community since the demise of AOL J-land. Indeed, the "community" has all but dried up and blown away. Even those friends mentioned above touch base much less frequently than they used to, be it because of real life involvements, or simply because they have tired of…this place.

The community aspect of the internet experience has moved on to places like Facebook and MySpace. Those are the hotspots, now; they're all about having, flaunting, and making more "friends." Yes, I have a Facebook page. But I almost never go there. I neither understand nor enjoy all the jillion little games and quizzes and snowball fights and whatever that are part and parcel of Facebook land. There is really nothing I can do there, like posting pictures or "writing" to friends and family, that I cannot do—have been doing for the past five years—here on my blog. I guess with my life as full as it is with the trappings of my entrepreneurial endeavor, I don't have the time or energy to pack up and move on to the new neighborhood. I'm sure it's all very nice, and I'm not necessarily dissing anyone who does it. It's just…not for me.

So that leaves me here…one of the last houses on the block with the fire still burning and the lights still on. Leaving the latchstring out…but there's no one around to lift the latch, lean in and say "hi." Most of the time, I'm okay alone. I was alone when I moved in to this neighborhood…more alone than at any other time in my life. I came here in desperation, to get the noise out of my head…with the small germ of a hope that someone might read. Understand? Learn? Relate?

Those things happened…and more. I found I had fallen into a community. I found friends. Something I had not had in a really, really long time. I am not exaggerating when I say that blogging saved my life. Or at least my sanity. And I also found that I could still turn a decent phrase or two…a skill I had thought lost beyond any redemption.

But now, with everyone going on to…wherever they are going…it's down to me and the language and my keyboard. It has to be about me and the writing…which I thought was what it was about when I first embarked on this endeavor. Until I found the community, and realized it was about so much more.

Is the writing enough? Can I bear to keep going, knowing I'm merely a pitiful little squeak in the deafening noise of the blogosphere? Unsure whether all the words I can wring out of my soul are remarkable enough to make anyone stop, read… Understand? Learn? Relate?

Every other time I've come to this juncture, by the time I got to the end of my rant, my mantra would return: I can't not write. Here is where I write. Here I'll stay.

This time?

This time…

I'm not so sure.