It has been a tough winter, and it promises to get nothing but tougher, from a business and a personal point of view. The economic outlook scares the bejeezus out of me; I can't even think too much about it, lest I throw my hands over my head, assume the fetal position and go catatonic.
At home, my oldest kitty—the one who has hung in there through eighteen years, four homes, and a "Mom" who has gone from workaholic restaurant manager to semi-retired stay-at-home and back to workaholic—looks like she is in her last days. There's something about the short days of midwinter that saps the life force away from the weakest flames…
And so it's become apparent to me that another ending is also in the cards. Actually, it has already happened…but it has taken me this long to acknowledge it. "Coming to Terms…" has run its course.
I said in my previous post that "I came here (to blogland) in desperation, to get the noise out of my head…with the small germ of hope that someone might read." I thought I could go back to that. Thought that I really was "okay alone." But I'm not.
Regardless of what "…Terms…" started out as, it became rooted in AOL J-land. It was my presence in the community. It was my voice, my telephone line, my letter-box, and sometimes my soapbox; where my friends indulgently smiled and patted me on the head when I climbed up and shook my finger at the world… And though I was always more on the outskirts of the community that in the midst of it, I stayed. Through the "Unwanted Ad Exodus" and beyond, I stayed. Through generations of readers that came and went, I stayed. It was my place…it had welcomed me when I was at a particularly lonely juncture in my life. And so…I stayed.
And I sweated and cried and toiled over my keyboard for hours when AOL decided to shut its doors. The race to save the blog took energy I did not have and could not spare, but it was essential. But I know now…though the blog is saved, though five years of essays are here, many of them are meaningless. Silly, even. Because they tell the story of getting to know and being a member of a community that no longer exists. "Coming to Terms…" was a unique part of a unique place. And now that the place is gone, "…Terms…" has lost its purpose.
It's possible I will start another blog, under another name, where I can re-establish that theme of writing to get the demons out of my head, and taking the chance that someone might read. But I can't wrestle "Coming to Terms…" back into that mold. It is way beyond that, an entirely different entity than it was when it started. It is not a place I come to be alone.