Saturday, November 6, 2010


The next 237 days promise to be a long slog. It will not be an easy thing to pour the lion's share of my life force into something at which I have come to acknowledge I am not succeeding. I have no more idea how to disengage myself from the café than I had of how to run it, when I started the journey four years ago. It will be, again, a voyage of discovery. Though this time, I'm afraid, it will be a journey fraught with regrets and studded with "coulda, woulda, shoulda's". I am not looking forward to it.

And so I've been giving a lot of thought, lately, to how to coax some lemonade out of this particular lemon. I know I can't spend the next eight months rising in the morning with a heavy heart, dragging it around like a ball and chain through twelve-hour shifts at the restaurant, and having it sit like an anvil on my chest every night in my sleep-deprived bed. I will need to make a conscious effort to lighten the load. It occurred to me that I will need to seek out and cultivate joy in my life.

Joy has seemed so far away to me for too long a time. I had to sit and really think about what brings me joy. Or what brought me joy when I still had the capacity to feel it. But even just taking the time to think about these things brought a tiny smile to my lips and pried a stone or two off my heavy heart.

Here's the list:

My fur-children—seven cats and the dog.

Birds—my "yard pets."

Walks—on the dike, or through the neighborhoods,
or anywhere.

Working in my yard, digging in the dirt.


The ocean.


Playing with my camera.

So, starting today, I'm shucking off the "ant" persona and embracing the "grasshopper." No more work, work, work, without even a stolen moment of respite.

I think I'll just sit on the fence and fiddle for awhile…


  1. Happy belated birthday! You know, there's something instinctual, I believe, that comes for most women, at or around the age of 50ish that says find the joy and live in it. Perhaps it's then that we learn that the bs we've lived through or with for these many years is really NOT so important (trying to live up to others expectations, making what THEY think a priority), and that our own sanity and happiness IS. My hope for you, sister friend, is a great journey toward finding the YOU you want to be. My feeling is the older I get, the more like me I become.

  2. About two years ago the scariest questions to answer for me were, "What do you want?" and "What would you like to do?" I had been so busy for so long doing what needed to be done that I had totally neglected me and allowed others to neglect me to.

    Life & Faith in Caneyhead

  3. There's another trick to it...ALLOWING yourself to feel joy. We all deserve it but for some reason we withhold it from ourselves. I think it's good that you're recognizing this void in your life now and not pushing it aside until the dust on the last chapter settles. It's an evolutionary process, and the sooner you let it happen, the better.

    Now...if I could only practice what I preach.

  4. Sometimes I believe we put off allowing ourselves to do the things that bring us joy. I'll take a walk, or learn to paint or whatever after I've........and of course we never get done with what we were going to get done first.

  5. Consciously experiencing joy is something that only comes to me in moments, but being open to it at all times seems to be the essential quality for letting that happen. I'm still trying to figure out what truly gives me joy. There is a big part of me that feels that if I know what those things are, I'll be able to go about getting more of them in my life. I still lack confidence in my ability to do that, but I think just getting to the point where you know that joy is a key element in life is huge. Here's to the next phase of the journey.