Ten Minutes: Carrying On

I find I don’t have a lot to say these days. I think my brain is on vacation…I did so much thinking and ruminating and analyzing earlier this year that I just had to…quit. Step back for awhile.

The past couple of weeks held a flurry of activity surrounding the visit of my niece from the Midwest. First, I had to turn my “office” (read “junk room”) into an adequate bedroom for her during her stay. This took up most of the week before she arrived. Unbelievable how much CRAP had accumulated in that room. I threw out two garbage cans full of ancient papers and sent two truckloads of miscellaneous old office furniture and other reusable (but not by me) stuff over to the Goodwill collection truck. The space looks like a ROOM now; not only is there a clear path through from the door to the far wall, there is a bed and curtains—woo hoo! It looks damn nice, if I do say so myself.

Niece arrived on 4/20 and went home yesterday, so we spent most of two weeks showing her the town(s)—Eugene, Portland, the beach (of course.) Weather wasn’t the best, but I suppose it could have been worse. We didn’t get stormed off the beach, and we had some nice days at the Eugene and Portland Saturday markets. It’s fun when people come in from out of town. You get to act like a tourist and see things you don’t see even though you live right next to them every day.

The next four months promise to be my “busy” months this year. Next week, we start production of product for our two remaining festivals, then the festivals themselves are in June and August. Though there is a certain amount of increased activity surrounding all this, it will still seem like a vacation compared with my life of just a year ago (almost exactly a year, in fact…our last day of business at the café was May 8, 2011.) As is always the case with my relationship with time nowadays, a year ago seems like yesterday, but at the same time, an immensely long time ago. So much has happened in these twelve months…and yet, so much has NOT happened. It’s hard to know how to feel about it all. Or whether I should require myself to feel anything. Yet.

As far as my spiritual journey goes, I am feeling a little stuck and isolated. The Universe continues to send spirits and lessons my way, but I feel like I should be learning more from them. Though I truly believe that one’s relationship to the world of the spirit is intensely personal, I’ve begun to feel that I need the companionship of other people who feel and believe something more closely mirroring my own views. I really don’t KNOW anyone else who is going where I am going, spiritually, in anything approaching the manner in which I am drawn to get there. So I’ve been doing a little research on retreats, and am in touch with an organization where I might get some community and support on my journey.

This is a difficult process for me. I’ve never been the most trusting soul, and my journey of the past five years has served to mangle any vestiges of trust/faith I had in other people. So it’s tough to make the spiritual equivalent of “cold calls…” I’m finding it almost as intimidating as “shopping” for a church, back in the olden days. I really have no stomach for it, but I also realize that I am craving acceptance into a spiritual realm about which I understand next to nothing, and that there are teachers out there who have knowledge I will need to go forward in my quest. I just have to suck it up and start reaching out, and hope that someone will reach back. I have found that the Universe is being patient and gentle but unrelenting with me. When I need something, I get it…and the Universe is not shy about smacking me upside the head with it, if need be.

My trip to the beach this past week was notably pelican-less. We saw a few dipping in and out of the waves far off shore, but none came close enough to really see. I did, however, see many eagles and osprey. Kingfisher made a brief visit, and I had an interesting close encounter with a Turkey Vulture. And crows and hummingbirds always surround me in abundance these days; so I am not without company on my spiritual quest. I just feel the need for some human people to walk with for a bit. An unfamiliar desire, for me. So unusual that I can't help but think it is the promprting of a Higher Power, rather than something I've pulled out of my own subconscious. So I'm trying to act on it...but it isn't easy.