Friday, October 26, 2012

Anniversaries--Part Deux

Have you ever planned a party and no one showed up? A month ago, I “celebrated” the ninth anniversary of this, my little blog. I can’t say no one showed up… But the silence from most of my former crowd of blog friends was deafening. And depressing.

Two years ago, when I first posted about my decision to close the restaurant, I mentioned that I probably would not have the blog community to return to once all the loose ends were tied up with the café and I was a free—and somewhat needy—woman. Things in my corner of the Land of Blog had changed so much already by 2010. I knew that I would soon be spending more time there, but I also knew it would not be as if I had never left. Time and technology had marched on. Other, less intense forms of social media appeared; most of the blog community I had known migrated to Facebook, never to return.

I am Facebook “friends” with many of the folks I met online through “Coming to Terms…”. I keep up with them; I interact with them on a chummy level. It’s nice. It’s fine. But it is not the complex communication in which I positively reveled back in the hey-day of my blog. The early days of AOL J-land provided me with a kind of friendship which I had craved—and never known—my whole life. Of course, it didn’t, really. That’s the whole problem, isn’t it? This whole world, these “friendships,” don’t really exist, do they?

This is NOT yet another “swan song” post. (How many of those have I written over the years? Three? Half a dozen?) Every time I would feel ignored or hurt, I would write a farewell post and go away for awhile. It seems silly, now. Who did I think I was hurting by quitting the community? Quitting the community is no longer an option, for it has quit me.

I’ve never been any good at “rites of passage.” It seems like I just get comfortable with a place or a thing, and it goes away. I’m always the last to leave, because I don’t really want to go, and I can’t catch a vision for what I’m supposed to go on TO. This place is little more than a virtual empty schoolhouse, now; still, I continue to haunt the halls. Mostly alone…back inside my head, where it all began.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote that I had been beset by this almost constant need to get away since we had closed the café. I theorized that this was because the Universe wanted me to distill my life to a few essentials in order for me to be able to hear its message. This may be true, still.

But a different explanation for this dawned on me the other day: I am alone. And that’s okay…I can deal with it. Maybe it’s what I need to be right now. But it’s really hard to BE alone surrounded by other people who don’t offer what I need, but have a great many expectations of me. Time was, I could escape to a virtual place where there were people who “saw” me as something different—more special, maybe—than those in my real life. But that place no longer exists.

Now, I have to find a new direction. Somewhere else I can go to heal…to help sort myself out and try to make sense again. So I’ve been feeling that I really need to go away alone. Where the solitude of my life is in harmony with my surroundings. It’s becoming so hard, so frustrating, to be WHO I am, WHERE I am. I know I have more to give, more to BE, but I can’t seem to find where to do it.

Funny…now that I think about it, I actually DO have a place to come to be alone, don’t I? I suppose I should enjoy this virtual solitude for now. Until I can figure out how to get the physical solitude I need…


  1. Posts like these are pushing your regular readers away. I have followed since J-land and this is the umpteenth post I've read like this. You have no followers. Waa. Yet, here I still am, reading and feeling oh so unappreciated. I'm guessing several of your other readers simply left because they feel the same way.

  2. @Michelle--I'm sorry if you feel I'm pushing you away. I had meant this post to be more positive than that--more of a wistful reminiscence than a scathing indictment of my readers. I guess I didn't communicate that very well.

    (I strongly suspect that many of my readers got tired of "hearing" me whine. I imagine most people think it's high time I got over it...whatever "it" is.)

    This post was actually inspired by the fact that one of my "newer" blog friends has decided to quit writing her blog (forever? for awhile?) and I sort of wanted to re-affirm that I will NOT be following suit, though I'm sad so many have left/are leaving.

    If you decide to keep reading, that will be good. I appreciate it. But I can't promise that every post will be upbeat and entertaining. That is not me...especially not just now. This blog is the last place I can come and be completely real; and if everyone feels as you do, I guess that answers a lot of questions...

  3. Lisa - I for one do not feel pushed away. As a matter of fact, your post resonates loudly with me.

    I'm sorry you feel so lonely because I have experienced vast loneliness over the past few years. I'm not always aware you've posted something new. But be assured that if I know you've posted, I will get by.

    {{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}

  4. Thanks, Kat. <3 (supposed to be a heart, but I know it won't "become" one when I hit "publish" )

  5. Lisa, I have been reading your posts faithfully. I don't comment anymore because I find the entire process of leaving a comment difficult, time consuming and I detest slogging through the "cryptic" letters I'm expected to be able to read to prove I'm a real person. I have no sage advice to give; that which you are feeling these days you must work out for yourself.
    Happy Anniversary to you and your husband.

  6. In response to the previous comments, I don't feel pushed away, but haven't felt very welcomed, either.

    I don't comment to every post, especially when there's nothing for me to add. I've felt before I could relate to some of what you were going through, even if different. Yes, there have been times when I thought, stop your whining and do something; anything.

    Your spiritual growth is a part of 'growing up' or maturing. You should feel fortunate to have that husband/friend to help support you monetarily if not emotionally or spiritually. We don't all have the option to stop working to find ourselves.

    I'm a loner-type, but are you? If you were happy in the public at some point, why are you withdrawing from everyone? I've suggested before that you go out and volunteer to 1)be among others and 2)feel the joy of giving. Hey, girl, put on your big girl panties and be a woman. Not what you want to hear? That's your option, of course.

    Don't say you're here alone. Be honest. Say you're not among the multitude of followers who say what you want to hear.

  7. @Charlene--I never had a "multitude of followers," and they didn't always say what I wanted to hear. But they said something, which no longer seems to be de rigeur among people who read blogs. At least, people who read MY blog...

    You mention the "luxury" of quitting work. I guess I don't look at it as a luxury. More of a sentence. I don't work; that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to. I'm just not capable of going back to what I WAS doing, and have no idea where else to go. It's a complicated issue for me. I love my husband, and I appreciate that he works and makes enough money to support us. But it makes me feel like crap not to be contributing to my own upkeep. That's just one of the several non-life-affirming things I'm dealing with right now.

    @Meredith--SO nice to hear from you, my friend! I know you've been reading, if not commenting. I'm sorry it's hard to comment...I hate the whole "prove you're not a robot" ID thing, too. I thought I had turned that OFF...

  8. Lisa,I was at diocesan convention (church business) all of Friday and Saturday...just reading this. Curious responses. I don't feel pushed away, I don't always have much to add but I almost always try to say something just you know I was here...I haven't exactly figured out what I'm doing with my blog although I did go back and repost most of what I have written over the years. I feel like I need a change of some sort with the blog - a new name? a new focus? but whatever it is hasn't come to me - so for now I'll probably just continue as I am.