I must have been no more than nine or ten when I began to
understand I had a psychological flaw that would hound me for life. And that if I wanted to be accepted as sane,
I would have to keep a sheet over it forever.
I am a closet hypochondriac.
Not the kind who is always running to doctors and has a
warehouse full of medicines.
Nope. Just the kind
who constantly frets about what is going on with herself physically. Every day, EVERY DAY, there is some new (or
old) ache or pain or spot or twinge that has me walking that obsessive
tightrope stretched over the pit of paralyzing fear that there is something
wrong with me and I’m going to die.
All this goes on inside my head. I cannot, DARE not share it with anyone. Except in a self-deprecating, jokey way when
I approach the end of a particularly stressful rope. And even that, only very occasionally.
It’s something that no one really understands about me. I don’t believe that when I walk into a room,
people think, “Oh god…here comes that hypochondriac again.” And if they had any idea of how much this crap
occupies my mind, that’s exactly what they would think. I have alluded to this issue a couple of
times (in ten years!) in this blog, but I don’t believe that it’s part of my
internet persona. And, again…it would
be, if I wrote about it as often as it is in my mind.
But I can’t. Because
I know it’s insanity, and I can’t let it out.
Can’t let it get a foothold in my outside-my-head life. I just…deal with it. It’s part of who I am, part of the “me”
nobody knows. When you think about it,
we all have large parts of our souls that are known to only ourselves. Some of these things we prize and cherish. Some, we keep contained, as if we were
sitting on top of Pandora’s box.
So why do I bring this up today?
Because I have spent the entire month of January either
direly sick or direly afraid of being sick or getting sicker. Every time I would think I was getting
things under control, I’d stumble upon another news story or Facebook entry
about someone who was in the hospital, in a medically-induced coma, or had died from the flu. I’m pissed at the media for sensationalizing
all this. I’m pissed at myself for
letting it get to me. I’m pissed that I
let it screw up my vacation. I’m
just…PISSED! I’ve had no peace for
almost a month. And I have to get it
back.
I have to admit, I’m hopeless when it comes to following any
routine. This is nowhere more apparent—or
more detrimental—than in my spiritual life.
People talk about daily prayer or meditation or sacred reading, and I
simply cannot relate. Though I’m certain
that a day to day spiritual practice would be nothing but beneficial, I just…can’t? Don’t?
Won’t? And I have no idea why
this is so.
I wrote a couple of years ago about the practice of what I
will call “personal smudging” to which I was introduced by a friend back in
2010, at a time when I was in desperate need of a higher level of contact with
the Spirit. It’s basically a ritual
whereby I light some sage and smudge myself from toe to head as I face each of
the four directions. “Spirit of the
East, help me find my peace. Spirit of
the South, help me know my peace. Spirit
of the West, help me guard my peace.
Spirit of the North, help me share my peace.” When I do this, I really do feel a peace
settle upon me, one that calms my constant fluttering and flailing, one that
quiets my fretting mind.
The way I have been feeling this whole month, I should have
been smudging every day…or, perhaps if I
had performed the ritual even once, I could have snatched myself out of this
downward spiral weeks ago. It was as if
I had forgotten where I was supposed to go when I’m in need (I do this all the
time, have done all my life, and I have no idea why.) But this
morning, I suddenly remembered what to do.
Desperate and frustrated, I retrieved my sage, matches and crystals from
my travel bag (I brought them on vacation but never did use them…) and threw
open the window and door in the family room (it is traditional to give the
negative energy an escape route once it is smoked out of one’s body.) I lit the sage and performed the ritual…once,
twice, and a third time for good measure.
With a month’s worth of physical illness and negative energy pent up
inside me, perhaps it took that much repetition to produce an effective
cleansing.
Toward the end of my ceremony, a soft rain began to fall
outside. I turned to watch it, and
caught a glimpse of something special. A
gift. A message.
I spotted one of the little delicate jewels of my yard—a hummingbird—dipping
and splashing in my little glass bird bath out on the deck. Reveling in the rain shower and the fresh
bath water. Washing off the dust and
grunge of this dry winter month. Just as
I was attempting to do with my sage and my smoke.
What was the message?
That I had succeeded? That I had
indeed cleansed the film of illness and fear from my spirit? That my joy—represented by Hummingbird—was now
clean and fresh and released?
I believe so. Desperate
for peace, I discovered joy as well. Sent to me personally by the Creator of the
Universe. It’s wonderful to be caught up
in such an awesome love.
A hummingbird in January! That is a real gift.
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