Let me first say that I have never
been beaten up by a husband or boyfriend, nor even been verbally abused by one. I’m not claiming this as a badge of honor,
merely stating a fact that has more to do with my lily-white suburban
upbringing combined with my personal cussedness, than with any feminist “don’t
tread on me” philosophy. Had I grown up
in a different culture, even a different town or neighborhood, I might be
different.
So I won't set myself up as judge
and jury over women who DO become involved with abusers. Though I don’t understand it or have any
personal experience with it, I know the psychology of battered women is
complicated. I know the abuse can escalate so subtly that even women who
swore they would never be in abusive relationships suddenly find themselves
trapped, with nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. Many women are attracted to men who project a
strong physical image…perhaps they are looking for a protector. Unfortunately, there’s a fine line between a
man who uses his physical prowess to protect, and one who uses it to control. In his mind, they might be one and the same.
The Ray Rice case has fostered a
public debate about domestic violence and society’s role in preventing it. Sadly, if you listen to the press releases and
tweets purportedly put out by Janay Rice, this whole episode is none of anyone’s
business but hers and her now-husband’s.
…No one knows the pain that the media
and unwanted [opinions] from the public has cause my family. To make us relive
a moment in our lives that we regret every day is a horrible thing. …THIS IS
OUR LIFE! What don’t you all get. If your intentions were to hurt us, embarrass
us, make us feel alone, take all happiness away, you succeeded on so many
levels. Just know we will continue to grow and show the world what real love
is!
To a certain extent, she’s
right. The intimate details of their
relationship SHOULD be between herself and her husband. And they would be, if this couple were John
and Jane Doe who lived down the street.
But there are two complicating factors here: 1.) she
and her then-fiancé played out their drama in front of cameras in a public
place; and 2.) her husband’s line of
work basically amounts to accepting a ridiculous amount of money to be on
constant public display.
Ray Rice doesn’t (didn’t) get paid a
king’s ransom to play football. He got
rich so people could watch him play football. And watch
him do everything else he does that isn’t behind firmly closed doors with no
cameras present. Someone needs to make
it clear to these young men, and their spouses, that they are selling not only
their athletic skills but their rights to any kind of anonymity or autonomy when
they are in public.
And so it should be. Because even though it’s been more than
twenty years since Charles Barkley famously claimed that “I am not a role
model,” the brutal fact is that there are and always will be fans out there who
will idolize and emulate these famous athletes.
In our present twisted pop culture, in fact, it seems that the worse the
behavior of any given sports star, the more popular, mimicked and rich he becomes.
So what would I say to Janay
Rice? That perhaps whatever “good” she
thinks she is drawing from the relationship—be it emotional or fiscal—might not
be worth living every day with the knowledge that this man you love could
easily seriously hurt or kill you, and has demonstrated his apparent
willingness to do so in full view of the public? That “real love” does not, CAN not exist
alongside the constant threat of physical harm?
What would be the point? She
obviously truly believes she loves this man, he loves her, that what they have
is real love, and that the outside world, rather than her husband’s fist, is
responsible for the pain in her life.
What I would say to Mrs. Rice is
this:
In a different world, what goes on
between you and your husband would be
private. No one else would have to know,
no one would be involved, until they wheeled you out of the front door of your
home on a gurney, with a sheet over your face.
As a private citizen, you would have that right. And there are many women—TOO many—who claim
that right, and come to precisely that end.
But you and your husband are not “private
citizens.” You accept a lot of money to
BE public figures. To conduct your lives
in front of God and everybody. You may
not like being a “role model,” but as the family of a professional athlete, it’s
not a title you can accept or reject purely on your own say-so. It is what it is. People will watch you. People will emulate you. And if one
girl follows your example and marries the man who put her in the hospital in
the name of “real love,” and ends up in a body bag, it’s one too many.
YOU may be willing to take that
risk. The rest of us are not. Which is why the press, the Baltimore Ravens,
the commissioner of the NFL, and the public had to step in and inflict the
consequences upon behavior that can not by any stretch of the imagination be
labeled acceptable, in public or in private.
Undoubtedly, Ray Rice will get a
second chance to play football somewhere.
If we know one thing about professional sports, it’s that some
avaricious team owner—one who knows the voyeuristic American public is pathologically
interested in witnessing a train wreck and will part with big bucks to do so—is
always willing to take on the “bad boys.”
(Michael Vick, anyone?) So, don’t
worry, Janay. All you need to do is bide
your time and try and stretch that $15 million signing bonus a little thinner. In a year or two or five, Ray will be back at
the top of the NFL food chain.
I hope you live that long.
(Image from Salon.com)
You make a number of really good points. I would add:
ReplyDeleteIntimate Partner violence knows no cultural bounds, it affects many women (and some men) regardless of race, ethnicity, social economic status, education or any other criteria for human beings. Women are not raised in households that lend themselves to "finding" abusers. It happens - the man is all sweet and loving for a length of time and then the control begins to take over, slowly tearing down every fiber of confidence of the woman until she is completely controlled by the man because she has come to feel so devalued and unimportant. Smart, well educated women have found themselves in this position, and the struggle to rise up, reclaim one's value and get out is tough. But most of all, the getting out is all but impossible - the man finds you, beats you into submission, threatens your life, your children's lives, the lives of your parents, siblings, and friends. You live in total fear, you lose all independence - have no access to money or the ability to leave. Getting out takes profound planning, strategy, and secrecy. And even then you might be found and killed. It is ALL about power, control and entitlement - the man (usually) is 100% certain that he has the right to do this and be this way. Of course when he is remorseful, he is sweet and in the beginning some women really do believe that he will change and never do it again. But. He does. And as you say, it can end with the woman in a body bag.