I've been here three days.
It is now the morning of the fourth day.
As predicted, I have so far managed to avoid any "spiritual
work" on the subject of my marriage, from the standpoint of
forgiveness. Monday was such a beautiful
and spectacular day, I knew the Universe had meant it as a special gift for
me. So maybe I wasted the next two days
trying to recapture that magic, when I should have been settling in to tackle
The Issues confronting me. My bad.
It did not escape my notice, though, that even while the
Almighty was providing me with a day of comfort and awe, I was also being
prodded toward the issues I need to deal with.
Because, in the end, Monday was "All About Pelicans."
Just after we closed the restaurant, as I was exploring
relationships with the bird spirit guides the Creator revealed to me, I became acquainted with Pelican.
Pelican is the animal spirit who represents letting go,
unburdenment, forgiveness. Pelican has walked
beside me again and again when I struggle with the lingering effects of the cafe years on my relationship with my husband. This week was no
exception.
I may have not planned an agenda, but an agenda was
planned, nonetheless. That I chose this lodging
pace for this time; that I headed south on my random drive and chose to cough
up seven bucks for admittance into the "Yaquina Head Outstanding Natural
Area;" and that I encountered there, perched on the great rocks at the
base of the lighthouse, more pelicans than
I have ever seen in one place, closer than I have ever been...all this was
arranged. The Creator knew that I was
going to be struggling anew with the ugly specter of our damaged marriage, and
brought me to where the spirit guide associated with forgiveness would be present
in such mighty numbers that it could not be ignored.
In case you're tempted to chalk up that encounter to serendipity, here's the rest: I said goodbye to the pelicans at Yaquina
Head, got in the car and pointed it south.
After a pleasant afternoon of shopping (!) I headed back north to my log
cabin. I decided to make one more
attempt to find a beach I hadn't been to and squeeze in a walk on the sand
before it got dark. I pulled off at a
place called "Devil"s Punchbowl;" decided to forego peering over
the edge of the cliff down into the holes in the rocks where the surf roiled
and bubbled wildly, and headed off to the almost invisible L-O-N-G stairway
down to the beach.
Oh, it was a lovely place!
The tide--which, judging by the quantity of wet sand, completely swallowed
up this place when it was in--had receded.
It left a crescent of secluded beach
upon which, miraculously, I was the sole human occupant. Score!
And then I looked to my right, to a brownish sandstone rock jutting out
from the steep bank. It was crowded with at least fifty
pelicans. SO close (and I was without my
camera...!) This time, I took it as the
message from the Almighty it was obviously meant to be. I spread my arms, closed my eyes and just
opened myself to the guidance of Pelican.
Of course, I had to spoil the moment and start up a
dialogue in my head. And at the exact
moment when I thought, "And I'm having such a hard time. I just can't forgive..." they all rose up at once and flew off the
rock and out to the surf. I've been
thinking about what that might have meant ever since.
So I have spent the past 36 hours trying, in a hit or miss
sort of way, to do the "spiritual work" I had thought I must do in my
solitude. I think about it for awhile,
and then I take a break. Because I can't
seem to come to any conclusions that make sense.
One thought that occurred to me is that I needn't be so hard
on myself for my inability to forgive.
At least I know I haven't...at least I know I need to, and I have the
decency to feel bad about not doing it.
I remember having discussions with my husband about my inability to
forgive and forget...apparently the "forgetting" is the most important part. When someone hurts you or wrongs you or
disappoints you, you are supposed to just say, "Oh, that's okay" and
then give them a total pass. Forget that
it ever happened. Not let that hurt or
wrong or disappointment change your attitude toward that person or life in
general in any way.
Of course it's not that simple. Do you run into a brick
wall, tip your hat, change direction, forget about brick walls and smack
right into another one? And another, and another? It doesn't make
any sense. The events of our lives
change us. The actions of other people
mold our way of looking at them and relating to them. How can it be otherwise? And I've always felt bad that I felt this
way. Am I the only person in the world
who takes such a clinical viewpoint about this issue? Am I the only person in the world who finds the
"forgetting" part impossible?
And why have I been chosen to grasp
this particular nugget of clarity?
Looking back on how our troubles affected us individually,
I don't think the husband has any better mastery of the concept of
"forgive and forget" than I ever have. He merely avoids the analysis entirely. His attitude toward me, since the upheaval of
the cafe years, has completely changed.
But he doesn't acknowledge the change and sees no reason to go back. Where I have fretted and lamented over our damaged
relationship, and puzzled over how to either get it back to where it was or
deal with what it is now, the husband has simply moved on. Changes assimilated. No regrets.
No looking back. With no thought to
whether those changes are good or bad, or whether they occurred at all. My problem isn't that I am unable to
"forgive and forget," it's that I'm cursed with the knowledge that it
is a process that requires intentional action, and not just, "If I don't think
about it anymore then I have done it."
No, dear..you have NOT done it. Your actions and attitudes demonstrate that
clearly. And I get it, I really do. Because, in the end, I truly believe there is
no such thing as "forgive and forget." We cannot be unchanged by the hurts and
wrongs and disappointments done to us.
So just don't imagine you have mastered the concept when your words and
actions demonstrate clearly that you have not.
And don't knock ME for not having done it...at least I KNOW I haven't. Which is a light-year or two ahead of where
YOU are.
Maybe forgiveness is about saying, "Yeah. We went through some tough times. And we learned some things about each other,
about our relationship, that didn't smack of 'happily ever after.' And now we need to go forward with that
knowledge. Integrate it into who we are,
and what we are to each other." If our
relationship can't be positive and loving with what we now know, if it turns out that what we are to each other
is the biggest ongoing irritant in the other's life, then I think some action
is called for.
No matter how hard you may try, you just can't un-ring that bell. It may be possible to move forward, learn something, make some changes, but every experience is incorporated into our history and alters it in some way. I think it is one of the challenges of a long term marriage - the inevitable accumulation of hurtful words and actions that we may move on from but never forget. Our perceptions are changed, our eyes are opened, our expectations lowered, our reality changed. I'll be reading to see how you find your way though this.
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