Sunday, June 13, 2004

Emotional Overload

On the heels of a completely unsuccessful event for the business, I decided to write an entry about my late, sweet Andrew.  Then, for some ungodly reason, I decided that tonight would be a good night to watch some of our old videos.  Featuring many of the people I have loved in my life that are no longer with us.  My dad, my sister...  Old videos can be a peculiar kind of torture.  It's not like looking at still pictures.  It's live film that takes you right back to the moment.  And then you realize that those people, those times, are irretrievably GONE...  Forever.  No going back.

I can't stop crying.  It reminds me of something my sister Joyce used to say to me.  We had all moved to Oregon, left her behind in Illinois.  During the last few years of her life, I took it upon myself to make sure she was able to come out to us to visit every summer.  At the end of her visits, she used to forbid me to go to the airport to say goodbye.  She would tell me, "I'm afraid that if I start crying, I'll never stop." 

That's how I feel right now.  I'll be better in the morning, I'm sure. 

But right now, I'm drowning.

9 comments:

  1. {{{{{Lisa}}}}}}  It will be better in the morning. It will.

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  2. Oh Lisa, morning can not come too soon.

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  3. I know this feeling. {{{{Hugs}}}}

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  4. Oh, Lisa I'm so sorry you're having a rough night.  I'm reading this the following day so hopefully you have worked your way back to being ok again.  I'm sorry that your business event was unsuccessful this past weekend.  (Is there someone I can hunt down for you and "take care of???")  Just kidding.  And about the movies, this is all I'm going to say, at least you have those.  It must be heartbreaking to sit and watch and to realize again with overwhelming sorrow that you won't see those people again in this life.  I do believe there is a life beyond this one, though, and you will see them there...(((HUGS)))  Karen

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  5. Video can be brutal as it assails to more than just your eyes; I have a small snipit of video of my dad, and to hear his voice just kills my heart.... Kristi

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  6. Oh, Lisa....I hope you're doing better soon.

    I sooo understand.  

    Losing my sister to a rare form of breast cancer when she was just 39 about put me over the edge, and I still haven't completely crawled up out of it. Before she died, I interviewed her on audio tape to leave something about her life for her kids. I was going to have it transcribed, but just can't do it yet.  Nor can I listen to her voice at this point, because, it would certainly be torture, like you said.

    Let those tears flow, they're cleansing and by God, you've got something to cry about!  Love, Lisa

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  7. {{{{{Lisa}}}}}}} I'm so sorry. :-) ---Robbie

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  8. hestiahomeschoolJune 15, 2004 at 4:15 AM

    Crying is healthy and natural and completely necessary.  When my son Jesse died I used to go bury my head in the laundry basket and just howl.  I wish you were here so I could feed you and make you know that you are cared for...

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  9. (((Lisa))))
    So sorry you're feeling sad, but I know it's a natural process.  We *do feel sad about things in our life that are lost to us, but in dealing with that sadness, we can move on to the good times still in the future.  I haven't found myself sad over old film, though, but I guess it just depends on the individual and what memories and feelings it inspires you to.   Feel better soon!

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