Monday, August 8, 2005

It's Late....

I tried to go to bed at a decent hour tonight. Forty-five minutes later, I was sitting on the bathroom floor, painting my toenails, as my restless mind wandered. In my freshly-painted bare feet, I padded down the hallways of my memory. Those hallways that have stretched and stretched with each passing year. More like highways than hallways, now. Miles long with rows of doors, right and left. So many doors I avoid like poison…and keep safely locked against the times I may misstep and wander too close.

Behind those doors are my brightest memories. Of my sister, my dad, my family as it used to be. All the things, the very important things, that have gone away and will never return. Not too long ago, those were the only rooms I lived in. Even after the sweet memories had soured to constant pain. How many years went by before I realized I had to move…had to leave them behind, because the pain had become my life. So I packed up. Moved out. Locked the doors.

But sometimes, like tonight, I boldly walk up to a door and stop. Who knows why? An old picture, a phone call, an email, one too many glasses of wine… I put on my "what the hell?" armor, turn the knob and fling open the door. It bangs against the wall and gives me just enough time to steal a memory, a moment, before it slams safely shut again. And I take that memory, that little snapshot--of Joyce playing cards in her green velvet bathrobe; or Dad sitting in the stern of the boat, steering into the next fish-laden cove; or the girls (my nieces) laughing and mugging at a backyard barbecue--and savor it. Until the tears rise, and I have to stuff that picture back under the door and walk resolutely away. But, each time, I get to look a little longer before the ache becomes unbearable…

16 comments:

  1. Oh. my. goodness.  That is what I do all the time.  I open those doors, probably way more often than I should, and always seem to wonder why peering inside them for a few minutes, always makes me sad.  Memories are supposed to make you smile, but even the happy ones tend to bring a tear to my eye.
    Why, I wonder do we do that??
    Your entry was beautiful, and thought provoking.
    You have a way with words that truly do touch the heart and soul.

    Jackie

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  2. Beautifully done!!
    V

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  3. What an entry and what a trip to memory lane. As I age, I find myself taking more and more trips to the past. Some are joyful and some are painful but nonetheless, each makes me cry... Beautiful entry...  

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  4. So beautifully sad.

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  5. I am amazed and proud to find this entry here.  


    Resounding.




    (How do you get in my head like that?  It frightens me a little.)

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  6. Oh how I can relate!  Hugs, Lisa

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  7. it is hard for me to look back also, even at the wonderful memories,& even though life today is just fine, i have a hard time with the past. Looking at pics of my girls when they were little,it is not like they grew up ...it is like those dear little girls ran away & sweet young women took their place. But those little girls are gone.
    Marti

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  8. I'm glad you've decided to re-open these doors, Lisa.  Memories of the good times are to be cherished and savored.  Tears are not always a bad thing.  I think as we get older, we learn to take the bitter with the sweet.  And it seems that you are.   :)

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  9. Bittersweet....like so many memories.  I'm glad you have happy memories to slip into every now and then...

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  10. Poignant and uplifting, beautifully expressed.

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  11. Beautiful.

    Jackie

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  12. ((((((((hugs))))))))))  

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  13. Hi Lisa-
    It just amazes me sometimes how you can just take the feelings and words right out of my mind and mouth. Many a nights those same things go through my mind as well. Do I go through the same as you because of the recent loss of Mom, only 3 months and 14 days? The answer is probably yes. And I then think how hard it is for me to call and talk to Dad now; how I'm at a loss to console to him. I think of how he my Mom's death has in some way brought my sister and I closer, in some ways.

    This was as always  a beautiful entry. Sorry for the long absence of leaving commens to your journal. I still read it everyday!

    Take care,
    Gayla

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  14. I wandered in here from a link in SisterCDR's favorite journal list, and I'm so glad I'm here.  I've enjoyed reading your entries.  This one, especially, is so poignant.  We all have the doors....

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  15. THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR THOSE BEAUTIFUL WISE WORDS THAT HELPED ME REMEMBER THOSE KINDS OF PICTURES WITH TEARS IN Y EYES ALSO...HOW WE FORGET SOMETIMES AS TIME DOES FLY BY....

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  16. I love the way you write. I wish I could get my head back into it. But sometimes it is just to hard. I loved this entry.

    Amy
    http://journals.aol.com/visionarydiva1/ABookClubforJLanders/

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