Thursday, February 16, 2006

Working out the Kinks

What is success? I think it is…knowing that it is not enough, that you have got to have hard work and a certain sense of purpose. Margaret Thatcher

Yesterday was a successful day. The sun was out, the air was crisp and blue, and I had work to do. I read other women’s posts, the ones they write at the end of an exhausting, whirlwind day filled to overflowing with errands, tasks, and responsibilities. They are dog tired and squeeze out a precious minute or two to jot a few lines before falling into bed; mostly to say they would sell their right arm for a little quiet time. And I wish I could tell them, make them understand: You don’t know how lucky you are.

I would give anything to have that, right now. I am a naturally high-energy person; running my butt off is what I do best. Unfortunately, I am also naturally melancholy…bordering on depressive. An odd combination. And it has been difficult. Imagine physically needing to be busy, to be occupied, keeping three or four balls in the air at one time, but at the same time, being depressed to the point of not really being able to move. It’s like wading through crude oil; desperate to go forward (or anywhere at all…) but you can’t move your feet. And you have some kind of itching powder just under your skin that you can’t get rid of. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but it IS how it feels.

After the rush and bustle of the holidays, I had the entire month of January "off." I can hear people out there saying, "A month off? What I wouldn’t give for that!" What I wouldn’t have given to have had work during that month! Without something to force the wheels to turn, to make me get out of bed in the morning, I ground to a standstill. I couldn’t do anything. I’d start little projects, lose interest almost immediately, and then wander on to the next thing. I am completely unmotivated to do things just because I want to. I need to have to. There needs to be some accountability, some deadline, some "this needs to be done and only I can do it" attached to a task, or I just don’t follow through. That’s why the whole "job" thing was such a see-saw life for me, all those years I was out there in the workaday world. My personality is such that finding the right job—working for someone else—was nearly impossible. I think it was because I needed to be needed…needed to be the one that, if I didn’t haul my ass out of bed and get to work, the important stuff wasn’t going to get done. I had exactly one job like that in my whole life, and it was my dream job. Most employers, however, are in the business of making it crystal clear to their employees that they are far from irreplaceable…the old "Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out" philosophy. That just does not work for me.

So, anyway, yesterday was a good day. I have my first event of the season coming up in a week. I have—praise the Creator—work to do. I have to buy supplies, make product, spiff up equipment, make lists, check things off the lists, run my butt off…for at least a few hours a day, anyway. And it makes the sunshine a little brighter, the blue sky a little bluer, and my night’s sleep a little more welcome. Life is good.


  1. Nothing like a little sunshine make things look more positive, even if it is solder than heck out there.


  2. My Dads advice years ago ... always be willing to do something nobody else wants to.

  3. The entry that I lost a few days ago was very  much in this same vein.  I have so much that I want to do, but I cannot settle and do anything.  I'm doing a lot of nothing and it's really frustrating.  Even when I get started on something, I get distracted at the drop of a hat.

    Glad to hear that you've got something soming up that will give you the kick in the butt you are craving.

    I wish that kick would come this way....

  4. Sometimes I get blue on the weekends; I develop tunnel-vision and get mired in everything that needs to be cleaned/fixed in the house, the paperwork that needs to be taken care of, my husband's, uh, quirks.  Then I'm off to a whole other world on Monday and it puts things in perspective.  I just wish there was a happy medium.  I can't wait to retire from the 12-hour work days, but I know I'll still need to work part-time to ward off that melancholy.  I dream of being a WalMart Greeter and having time to grow bulbs, do volunteer work.  You make a good point about that kind of job, but I'm anxious to see!  Glad you're seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and have that good balance again.  *debbi*

  5. Oh, my gosh .... can I relate to this entry.  You know, I will be fifty two in May, and I still haven't adjusted to the fact that I am in my fifties.  And this meloncholy thing has got to go !  I sit around getting moody and depressed over the strangest things these days.  I used to enjoy looking back at old pictures, or listening to old favorite songs.  Now, those things make me feel physically sick. And here is the kicker:  I have this thing going on now, where I only want to do what I WANT to do.  I mean, seriously.  I used to accept the fact that there were things I was less than thrilled to do, but I did them without question, because they needed to be done.  I am now the master of procrastination.  I keep hoping that some of this is due to menopause.  At least that way, I can see some end to this madness.   Tina