Saturday, March 24, 2007

Teach The Children...What?

Here I am, back in the position of managing young people. This time, the age gap between myself and the people I am supervising (mentoring? guiding?) is easily 1.5 decades greater than the last time I was called upon to fill this role.

Fifteen years ago, I was nearly old enough to be the mother of my youngest employees. At 36, I could (biologically) have had a seventeen- or eighteen-year-old of my own. I was superficially cognizant of that fact, but it didn’t really register. I felt like an overgrown eighteen-year-old myself sometimes, back in those days. I was able to establish a sort of mentor relationship with my girls; the fact that I was almost twenty years their senior never seemed to be much of an issue—to me, anyway.

Fast forward to 2007. Other than my 38-year-old cook (who has a thirteen-year-old daughter of her own), my oldest employees cannot even claim a quarter of a century on the planet. So I am WAY old enough to be their parent. It’s an interesting dynamic. Having never had children of my own, I don’t see these girls as "children." I’m sure I have an entirely different attitude toward them than their (younger than me) parents have. Most of the time, I don’t give it too much thought. But then there are times when I wonder…exactly what DO these children think of me?

For one thing, I don’t think they realize I am older than their parents, most of the time. Not being a parent myself, I don’t act like a parent. Which is not to say that I don’t sometimes come off as a complete old fart. I’m sure that when I’m back in the kitchen grooving to my "tunes" on the radio (I found the greatest radio station out of Portland—they play all sixties and seventies music. The music of my childhood…!) my employees are thinking of me exactly what I would have thought of my mother hopping around to "Big Band" stuff when I was a kid. Come to think of it, my mother never did that. Was there (is there?) a certain dignity to being a parent that I completely lack? Or some rule in the Mom Handbook that says you should never let your kids see that Once Upon A Time you might possibly have been just like them?

The other day, I found myself expressing my spiritual ambiguity to one of my girls. She’s college-grad age, so I don’t feel guilty of poisoning a young mind with things of which her parents would heartily disapprove (I’ve met her parents and I’m sure they WOULD disapprove…but she’s old enough to make these kinds of decisions for herself.) But this is a small town, and this girl was brought up in a strictly religious family. So I wonder, really, how my lack of reticence about my beliefs colored her opinion of me. I try to think back to myself at that age…what would have shocked me? What would I have considered TMI from someone old enough to be my mother?

Then again, times were WAY different when I was a young twenty-something. Much as we would like to have thought we were so hip and so liberal and so enlightened… Let’s face it: I was an almost-affluent child of the lily-white suburbs. What today’s kids don’t give a second thought would have shocked my socks off. Here at my own little cafĂ© we’ve had an openly gay cook, girls working on their second or third out-of-wedlock baby, tattoos, pierced everythings, the dark specter of methamphetamine in several employees lives… And this, as I said, is a small town. So imagining what might have shocked me at that age is totally irrelevant.

And even if I did suspect that I should keep a tighter rein on what I betray of myself to my employees, I doubt that I could actually DO that. I am who I am--almost completely without pretense or guile. It just doesn’t occur to me to be secretive about who I am or what I believe. Which, I concede, is not always a good thing. It’s certainly not "managerial" or "owner-ial" behavior. I suppose I should give great consideration to the persona I intend to create for myself, and project that and only that image. I’m sorry. I have about as much chance of doing that as I do of crawling back into my mothers womb and calling for a "do-over" of my entire life.

So god knows what kind of reputation I am creating for myself in this little town. If only to give myself one less thing to obsess about, I will choose to believe there is nothing about me that my employees won’t be better off for the knowing…

14 comments:

  1. You may just be right in what you say in your last sentence.  I find that each person brings to our lives something of value and interest.  It's what we do with the input that may, or may not, get us in to trouble.  

    Loved this entry Lisa.  It seems I am reflecting overly much lately about my own behavior and comparing myself to the older generation of my family.  Their manners, morals, standards.  Although I may have felt stifled in my youth or have needed my space, I find myself, all too often, right in their place.  Scary.  You know?

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  2. "To thine own self be true" is always a good motto to follow.  It's been my personal experience that young people continue to view anyone over 40 as old!  This is an improvement, however; an extension of a decade over what our generation allowed.  Be who you are, Lisa, and say what you think.  Most younger folks don't go running back to their parents to regale them with what so and so said.  And I want you to know there's no "rule" that says you should never let your kids see you as you once were.  I'm quite certain that some of the best parent/child(ren) relationships come from parents who openly share their childhood memories and let their own children peek in from time to time to see that which brought much happiness and delight in days of yore.

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  3. The first job I ever had was as a mother's helper on Cape Cod the summer I turned 16.  I moved in and took care of 4 kids while the parents worked about 12/7 in their business.  The mom would often share her thoughts with me about life, raising kids, the psychology of her own kids, running a business, religion, dealing with her own parents, whatever.  I was really stunned at first to discover adults had all the same questions and rambling thoughts that I did.  And then I adjusted and felt very grown up (I wasn't).  My guess is that your employees feel like you're all sort of on the same wavelength and it's fine.

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  4.  Knowing that you are a damn good writer wont hurt 'em. I know it makes me look at rabid liberals different. If your cafe is as good as your blog I need to come chow down some day.

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  5. Despite the age differences, you're all still people, and that means the only way to actually connect is with something real in your life and theirs.  I worked very hard to maintain a good reputation in a small town, concealing what others might find shocking for a long time, and my reputation still got blown out of the water.  I found out it didn't matter.  It didn't affect my business.  It didn't affect the way that people that mattered treated me, and I came to know more interesting people because of it.  Be you, and let the universe surprise you.

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  6. Hey, I could totally relate to this entry.  I mostly work with people who are younger than me. I'm old enough to be their mothers (their very  young mother :). Although I do have children, I have a lot of the same feelings you do. I struggle with the dignity vs. being myself thing, too.  Like you, I still feel like a teenager. I like to party and rock out to my music and say whatever I want to say. But I've become more aware of how funny it sounds to my younger co-workers to hear certain words come out of my mouth. because someone my age shouldn't say "those things". I'm a little jealous of the young women who work in my office - they all seem so young and pretty, fresh-faced and unemcumbered and energetic, compared to me.  But all in all I wouldn't change places with any of them.

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  7. You are probably becoming one of the towns eccentric characters! lol. I remember having the same thoughts about my Mom listening to Big Band is comparable to me listening to the 60's & 70's music. Interestingly enough, the station that played that music here in Ft. Payne...I mean Ft Wayne, cancelled that station and converted it to Mexican music. What does that tell me?

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  8. I saw my mother's rendition of "The Hustle." It scarred me for life and for that I am without child. I couldn't do that to blood of my own. But others' well that's fair game. Hahahaha

    Good for you for being real with your employees. If you present the image that you think they or their parents would want you to present, you become a hypocrite. Hypocrites are found out eventually. It's then that she would have been truly damaged.

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  9. To TJButt31:  Her cafe is FABULOUS.  If you live close by, get over there!

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  10. Robin--He lives in Oklahoma....  :(  Lisa  :-]

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  11. Well Lisa....We're the same age and my kids are 12, 16 and 19.
    :)

    You might be surprised.  I see my kids being somewhat intrigued by people who are NOT quite mainstream.  I know my kids LOVE seeing that little hint of hippy chick (even though I'm a shade to young to have been a hippy).  My 16 year old's favorite radio station is an NPR station that plays EVERYTHING!

    You're not the parent, you can be truly cool in their eyes.
    :)

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  12. Hmmmmph.    Oklahoma is a lot closer than Ohio.
    Robin

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  13. Oh Lisa, I like this entry so much!  This afternoon, I went to a party given by one of my two best friends here in Dallas, a young woman who happends to be 28 to my 57.  We worked together in child psychiatry a couple of light years ago, when I was 51 and she was 22, and we became fast friends rather than just colleagues one night when I gave her a lift and happened to play one of my favorite Christmas songs for her (Snoop Dog's rendition of Santa Baby...and yes, I like some rap)...

    My whole life, I've had friends of all ages, and I hope that continues until my days on this earth are done...and it doesn't surprise me a bit that you are the same sort of free spirit.  It's such a good thing, to be able to transcend all the trappings...

    Judi

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  14. I suspect you're doing just fine. And I think you're reputation is safe. :-)

    Jackie

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