Tomorrow, the last checks will be written and the account closed. The final disbursement of my parents’ worldly goods will be made. Mom has been gone since December, Dad since 1999. But this makes it all too final, somehow.
It underscores the fleetness and fragility of life. Retirement age is creeping up on me…yet it surely wasn’t that long ago that my parents retired. All I can think is that the time they had from the day they retired until they died was woefully short. Dad had seventeen years, and mom had almost a quarter century. But it wasn’t nearly long enough. I can’t help feeling, “What a gyp!” But I don’t know who was gypped: them or me?
My parents had a pleasant retirement. Dad got the cottage on the half-acre lot where he could play “Farmer Frank.” He planted fruit trees and a huge kitchen garden. Mom got her greenhouse and her front porch lush with the most beautiful begonias and fuchsias every summer. Dad had his boats and his garage full of man stuff. Mom had her crafts and her collections. They had their family close by, and they didn’t really suffer a lot of health problems until the very last. No…I guess it wasn’t they who were gypped.
It’s me. I was gypped. I don’t have a Mom and Dad anymore. I have yards and bolts and skeins of memories. But I don’t have them.
And I don’t want to believe that I’m as close as I am to the twilight of my own life. So I try not to ponder these things very often.
But when I look at that check…the very last I will see with my mother’s name on it…that tangle of wishes, sighs, memories and fears will bob to the surface for at least a few moments before I can jam it down and put a rock on it…
Gosh, I want to say something....but what. I so understand your plight, yet I have no understanding whatsoever. I still have my mom and dad, and I know I'm lucky..hmmmm lucky sounds so contrite. I apologize, I sympathize and I hope your days only get brighter and brighter. All the best. Sue
ReplyDeleteSomehow the finality hits us when we least expect it. The last check, the last box, a photo or anything that can trigger that rushing, crushing realization. Of course along with it comes our own confrontation with morality. I can empathize with you. deep cleansing sigh- Dannelle
ReplyDelete(Hugs) Life is never fair, nor long enough at any age...yet somehow it sustains us, gives us hope, and more importantly allowed us that brief glimpse we had of memories shared with people we love. No it doesn't even up the odds, just makes the quality of the life we have lived somewhat more. Sounds like you parents had a loving and full life. That in itself is something to rejoice. Of course you miss them, they were an integral part of your life as you will be to someone else. Your in my thoughts dear friend. (Hugs)Indigo
ReplyDeleteOne of the least fair things about life is that it's impossible to always keep all that is most dear. Whether it's a home, a parent, a sibling, a child, a pet or a spouse, we are all destined to experience deep, life altering loss.
ReplyDeleteI understand that fear, and what it takes to suppress it. Sometimes, it's next to impossible. But somehow, we do....and we just keep going.