Monday, January 26, 2004


For years, I was convinced my husband was nicer than I am. Lately, I’ve begun to realize how stupid that is. I’m a strong personality. I’m not going to apologize for that. I never dreamed of getting married and having babies when I was a kid. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted, but the whole "married with children" thing didn’t hold a lot of appeal. I saw my life as that of an eccentric artist…a single eccentric artist. I never "went steady" in junior high…never even dated in high school. I was as surprised as anyone when I fell for my husband when I was a mere twenty years old. And, wonder of wonders, he fell for me, too.

"You guys fight so much," my mom said once, right after we were engaged. My parents never fought. Dad made the decisions, and Mom went along. That was their relationship, not mine. My husband and I were two young people learning how to work as a unit. We didn’t actually fight, but we didn’t agree on everything, either. We had differences of opinion, and we aired them. We worked them out. I always thought our attitude toward marriage was very contemporary…that "today’s" women (of 25 years ago) didn’t have to be the ones who always gave in.

But over the years, I’ve seen that the relationship I have with my husband is the exception rather than the rule. Women did then, and do now, embrace relationships that have them forever playing second fiddle to their husbands. And it’s still what society expects. People see me as one of those bitchy women that the "nice" men all marry. There’s a certain amount of truth to that…I’m sure I wouldn’t have chosen a man that wanted to totally dominate me, any more than an ultra-dominant man would have wanted me for a partner. We would have killed each other.

People raise their eyebrows when they witness the dynamic of our marriage. I went through years when it really bothered me. In fact, I always thought that if we got divorced, my family would keep my husband and get rid of me. But I think I’ve just reached an age where I can’t worry about that anymore. We’ve been married 27 years…we must be doing something right.


  1. I think that from the outside looking in, one might think I play second fiddle to my husband, but oftentimes what's visible to the eye is all just surface stuff. I've known my husband since I was 17--when he's home, we fight about 10 times before noon. But we've been married 21 years ourselves, so there has to be something we're doing right.

  2. Lisa - You seem to have chosen your life's path and your partner wisely. I'm sure it's not blissfully perfect all the time, but if you are happy and know true love - there's not much more you can ask for. I know I'm one of the settlers. It's not a good space.

  3. Well, Lisa, I don't think anyone else has to live your marriage besides your husband and you. What makes nice dynamics for someone else is irrelevant. If you both are happy, then you *are doing something right. :-)

    And I always did think about being married and having kids when I was a kid myself. I always wanted a huge family with about 10 kids. Thank God I came to my senses. LOL

  4. Doesnt really matter what other people think of your marriage it's how you and your husband see it. Life is for the two of you to live and you two seem to be doing what is best for you. Keep up the good work.

    Enjoy life to it's fullest and love like you have never loved before. You and your husband must be happy the way things are or you wouldnt be together for so long.

    I love seeing happy people and you two seem really happy. God bless you both.