Work

I think I'm getting the hang of this not-working thing.  It occurred to me today that I should try being HAPPY that I don't have to work.  A hard thing to ask of someone who worked for a living for 25 years.  And hated all but about 5 or 6 of them...  I realized long ago, way back in my twenties, that I wasn't going to be happy working for anyone else.  When we first moved to Oregon, I wrote in my journal about my dreams of having my own business.  That was 19 years ago.  And it has finally happened (though not in the flambouyant and instantly successful way that I had always envisioned.)  Why can't I accept this and be happy?

My typical day lately is spent at least partly feeling worthless or guilty because I'm not working.  I know this is because I DID work for so many years, and much of my self-image was tied into my jobs...(considering my success rate at the jobs I've had, this explains why my self-image has been so dirt-poor most of the time.)  I look at this and I KNOW it's silly...my life is so much more than just what I do to earn money.  Why am I so invested in the work thing?  I'd say it's that good old pioneer Protestant work ethic, but I'm not Protestant.    But I'm older now, and I'd like to think wiser.  I should be able to make myself understand that I have worth outside the workaday arena. 

For years, I said to myself, "What would I do if I wasn't working?  I'd be bored to death being at home all the time!"  I look around the house now, and there are literally a million things I could be doing.  Between the house and the yard and my business, I'm really not hurting for things to keep me busy.  But as I told Donna the other day, after working for so many years, you get to where you don't know HOW to be at home.  Keeping a home can be--IS--a full-time job.  What I need to do is find out how to get the sense of accomplishment I crave, from creating a beautiful environment in which to live, rather than punching a clock for forty or more hours a week.  THAT is how I need to look at it--creating a healthy, nurturing environment for myself, my husband, and our little responsibilities--the animals.  I think I can do that...