Thursday, August 25, 2005

Anticipation

God willing, and Northwest Airlines remaining viable until after flight 595 from Minneapolis/St. Paul touches the tarmac at PDX tomorrow night, my brother-in-law will be visiting with us for the next two weeks.

My sister Joyce died a little over ten years ago. Yet it’s been inconceivable to me to stop thinking of her husband as my brother. I was thirteen years old when he became part of my family; nearly forty when the tie that legally bound him to us passed from this world. That tie didn’t simply evaporate when my sister died. How could it?

My "brother" K and I have had our struggles. Decades ago, when he was nuts and I was a teen-ager, we had a pretty spectacular falling out. But damned if he didn’t come to me, just a couple of weeks later, hat in hand, and apologize for what he had done… I was nineteen and he was twenty-nine. Think about that, for a minute. So many men can’t find it within themselves to apologize for anything, ever. That was how much he loved my sister, and my family, and me, I think. What seemed at the time to be one of the most tragic episodes of my life, turned into one my most cherished memories.

When my sister was dying, it was I who flew back home to try to "be there" for her family. Though my presence during that awful time ultimately estranged me from her daughters, it drew K and me even closer. For a little while, we were the only two people on earth who came anywhere near to understanding each others’ grief. Though much of the bond remained unspoken, it was there, nonetheless.

And yet, I’m slightly apprehensive about this visit. In spite of the history, I’m wondering what remains of the emotional attachment we once had for each other. It has been ten years, after all. Three days after my sister died, I reluctantly tore myself away from his grief to board a plane and return to my own life, such as it was. Since then, I’ve only seen him a handful of times. We’ve flown back to the midwest for family reunions; he flew to Oregon for my father’s funeral. But, being the middle-aged old farts we are, ten years seems like no time at all…

I love this guy. And, you know, that brings a whole set of complications of its own. Because, more than anything, I would like to see him find another partner…someone who could love him as my sister did, and that he could grow old with. But then, there’s a part of me that kind of fears that possibility. Because, ifhe DID meet a wonderful woman with whom he could share the rest of his life (he’s only just sixty years old…), where would that put us? Is there a place for the late wife’s family in such a picture? I don’t know. It’s selfish of me to wonder. What I truly want is for him to be happy.

At any rate…tomorrow, we pick him up at the airport (we hope) and commence trying to show him a good time for the next fourteen days. And,in spite of all my characteristic overthinking, I’m really looking forward to the next two weeks.

16 comments:

  1. Have a great visit!  He sounds like a wonderful guy!  Have him find a match on eHarmony!  I just joined and it's so much different that one would expect.  I fully believe I will be successful in finding someone with similar interests and values.  Hugs, Lisa

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  2. the strange inner workings ofthe human heart,no matter how full you think it is , it always stretches to hold one more
    marti

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  3. Lisa, I hope that the visit is wonderful.

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  4. I'm sure it will be fine.  Have you ever noticed that the things we are the most apprehensive about, are the ones that generally turn out fine.  Well, that's what happens to me, alot of the time.
    I hope you have a wonderful time with your BIL.  
    I'm sure that you will... :)

    Jackie

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  5. The things that we worry about the most, almost never happen. I'm sure you'll have a lovely visit and I am quite impressed that you have remained close to this man after 10 years. And after all this time, I think it highly doubtful that he'd find someone to replace your sister. A companion perhaps, but never a true love, again.
    Good luck.
    MAryanne

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  6. I am happy for you & your relationship with K.  Far too often we let go of people because what brought us together in the first place has gone...  and its a shame.  I miss my step brothers terribly since our parents divorced.  One keeps in touch occassionally but usually my efforts to stay connected go without a response.  It's heartbreaking!  It sounds as if K is a true friend, in for the long haul, not just a brother-in-law.  Enjoy time with your life long friend - and let us know how things go!

    All the best,
    Dawn

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  7. Yes, I think that if he does find a very special person there is a good chance that you will remain family. Have a great two weeks.

    Jackie

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  8. Lisa-
    What a lovely entry this is and thank you for sharing something so touching and very personal with us. In my humble opinion, I think the two of you will be just great and pick right up where you left off; I truly believe that. He sounds like a really a great guy who absolutely adored your sister. How many people can say that? Not many.

    Enjoy your visit and show him how spectacular your surrounding are!

    Thanks again,
    Gayla
    http://journals.aol.com/schoolgal040/SoMuchMore

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  9. I hope you have a wonderful visit, full of both past and future.

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  10. Personally I believe that family is family no matter HOW the relationship started.  Once you claim a soul as Your Family they remain that for always, despite the years or the legality.

    I am excited for you and with you Lisa.

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  11. I knew several families where when the person remarried still kept in touch with them. I think as long as you were receptive to his new spouse you woudn't have a problem. You are an important part of his past life.

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  12. Once a family, always a family. I do believe that your relationship with your BIL will not change if he remarried...

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  13. I can imagine your anticipation, but I'm sure all will fall right back into place once he gets there. Once again feeling like it hasn't been so long since your last visit. Have a wonderful time catching up.

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  14. Its only natural to wonder what changes might occur in a relationship should circumstances change ...especially when you care so deeply for someone that the thought of them not being in your life as much seems unthinkable ....i generally find the more i worry or think about such a thing happening the more likely it is to happen because im almost setting the scene for it to come true .
    So much of our relationships with people remains unsaid or unexpressed ...how many times have we said in our lives " i dont have to say it you know how i feel " only to find ourselves wishing someone would tell us how they feel .
    Im sure bil knows you care about him and share a bond that will never be broken .....when you see him tell him what you told us tell him all you want is for him to be happy and for him to always be a part of your life ...im thinking he will feel exactly the same way x

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  15. I am begining to worry about you my friend.


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  16. Oh! I so hope you had a wonderful time. The love and admiration you feel for him exudes from this entry.

    I tried to go back to my last comment and start from there but clearly, I read here more than I comment because I kept saying surely I commented on that entry. I know I've read it. Nope. So, I'd go back one more. Nope. I was beginning to think you blocked and deleted all my comments because I haven't been present for so long. Alas, I went back far enough. I'll try to do better. :-) ---Robbie

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