I’m willing to entertain the
notion that I am done healing from the crash and burn of the café. At least, I’ve felt lately like I’m ready to
reach outward, instead of continuing to fall inward upon myself. Trouble is, the world to which I have
returned is so vastly changed from the one I left in July of 2006 (seven years
ago!) that I can’t quite figure out what to reach out toward.
The husband to whom I have
returned is not the man I left behind when WE embarked on that strange journey. (Turns out we headed in different directions
mid-trip.) We’re back together, now, in
some sense of those words. Since our
very separate emergences from the Fire Swamp that was the café, we’ve each
managed to make our way back to the other.
Which was an iffy situation in itself, for awhile. But we’ve advanced through screaming at each
other all the time, to forming a fragile peace, to—on a strictly limited basis—very
nearly finding pleasure in each other’s company. Considering where we started out, that’s a
fur piece. But I don’t count on things
getting much better than this. I know,
now, with a mildly depressing certainty that our relationship has NOT aged like
fine wine. In fact, I likened it once to
an old shoe Ratty, holey, run down in the heels and
probably more than a little stinky. But
comfortable. It could be worse.
And then there was the circle
of friends upon whom I so relied pre-café.
I’m talking about the internet friends (really the only friends I
had.) They’re still out there, for the
most part. But the relationships, born
of technology, have morphed along with the technology from which they
emerged. I guess we never were more than acquaintances, even
though the relationships felt deeper.
And after ten years of blogging and chatting and Facebooking, exponentially
more connections have been made.
Unfortunately, the quantity of the connections has served to dilute the
quality. At least in my little corner of
the world. So, yeah…I still have
friends. Friends that I cherish. But…it’s not the same.
When I think about it, that’s
a lot of what my life has been about.
Finding where I fit. I’ve run through several places, now, that
have turned out not to be THE place. Or
maybe they WERE the place, for a time, but got over it. I don’t think I want to give up, though. Embarking on a search for a new place might
result in rewards beyond my bravest dreams.
It’s just that, for the first time, I’m beginning to understand that
life does not go on forever (at least, not THIS life…) and I’m not sure how many searches I have
left in me.
Kind of a sobering thought, really…
Hey! Where can we meet for lunch?
ReplyDeleteI wish we lived close Lisa.
ReplyDelete