Life would probably be easier if I had friends. I have never been part of a "group". In my heyday, I had one "best" friend, and a few acquaintances beyond that. But no "Friends"-type relationships with anyone. No sharing of deepest secrets and desires. The girls I hung around with in high school thought I was kind of a drag...I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I didn't do drugs, and I didn't really approve of people who did. They didn't pressure me to join them in a cigarette or a six-pack...but they never accepted me into the group, either. I hung around with them, but always on the outside looking in.
When I was in my twenties, and active in the little church we belonged to, I STILL didn't have any friends. Not being the model Christian stay-at-home Mom (I was neither a mom nor a stay-at-home), I missed out on most of the "women's" ministries. They invariably were held during the day, when I was at work...apparently, one was supposed to be home looking after one's husband and children in the evenings. Once again, I was on the outside looking in.
In the last ten years, we've moved three times. We haven’t been anywhere long enough to feel part of the community, much less cultivate friendships. And there was so much crap going on in my life, I wasn't feeling very outgoing. These were the times, though, that I could honestly have used a friend or two. My husband has been my ONLY friend for awhile, and he has been a little overwhelmed by this. The hurts and sorrows I've dealt with over the past five years have left me extremely isolated. I have spent more days than I like to think about completely alone, with no one to talk to but myself (and I DO, which is kind of worrisome...)
So, why do I write this? Well, today was an extremely social day for me. I went to my volunteer job and actually had conversations with my boss. And then, husband and I went to our first Weight Watchers meeting. I'm starting to think I might be crawling out of my self-imposed isolation. I don’t MAKE resolutions…but I feel like I really need to stretch myself to make connections with other people. Being alone so much that you are your only sounding board is NOT a good thing.
I think everyone goes through stages like that, Lisa! I don't need a huge circle, but it's always nice to have two or three good friends who are always there to listen and support you. I, too, feel that I'm sort of missing a bit in the social circle arena. It sometimes depends on how your life is, you know? Like, if you are busy doing things, which it sounds like you are, then you are going to meet people with common interests, sooner or later. :-)
ReplyDeleteSometimes, when you isolate yourself from others, it's easy to convince yourself that you are completely alone in the world. It takes a little effort and a lot of courage to start participating again. I applaud you!!!
ReplyDeleteI tend towards self-reliance myself....I'm not unfriendly, but I don't seem to require a lot of outward support--probably comes from growing up way out in the country. These journals are very helpful for self-expression & for "meeting" new friends. Best of luck to you!
ReplyDeleteI'm another one of those people who've always been on the outside, and often I'm most comfortable alone. It's a dangerous trap for me though, and I'm proud of you for making the efforts to get out and connect.
ReplyDeleteI've been lucky in that I've always connected with at least one person wherever I've gone. Now I'm learning to enjoy MYSELF more. Good for you finding new avenues to meet people. I've found you so fascinating in your journal - I'm sure that as people learn how interesting you are, you will make some good connections. You're right, stretch a little. Let the world know what a cool person you are!
ReplyDeleteKat